Perfect.
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Elon Musk: Inhabiting Mars is the only hope we have of saving the human race
Jesus: LOL
During a full Moon a house turns into a warehouse
I finally got eight hours sleep. Took me four days but whatever.
[wife explaining to me how deaths in movies work]
So the actors really don’t die?
“No”
So is Abraham Lincoln really not dead?
*she sighs*
My spirit animal is a hamster named Bob.
He used to be a regular hamster named Bob.
But, I kinda forgot to feed him for a couple of weeks.
Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs
On a phone appointment with my doctor and may have answered the “Are you currently sexually active?” question with “I’M TRYING, OKAY?”
***TRAVEL NEWS***
A truckload of E45 has overturned on its way to Sam from Cheers’ house. Agnetha from ABBA happened to be passing, so is helping to clear up the mess with a shovel.
See that girl.
Watch that scene.
Diggin’ the Danson cream.
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
I don’t understand why my AirPods aren’t working right I’ve only sent them through the laundry twice.
Dress sloppy at work and people will think you don’t know what you’re doing. Dress too nice and people will think you know what you’re doing. So you see my dilemma.
2: Mommy!!
Me: Yes?
2: NOOOOOOOOO!
Last night my son got sick, so he went to his room to lay down. Could barely move and he looked horrible.
Half an hour later the ice cream truck comes down the street and guess who RAN to the door begging for ice cream 😂
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
Husband: Eat a carrot they are good for your eyes!
6: I’m good mommy thinks I look cute in my glasses.
Remember, you CAN have your cake and eat it too.
In fact, you can’t even eat a cake you don’t have.
we live in a society where it’s perfectly acceptable to touch 50 pieces of fruit at the supermarket before buying one. every apple you eat has been fondled by half the neighborhood
E
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ᴱ*dolphin diving off a cliff*
That point in your parenting journey where “stop fighting” morphs into “go outside if you’re going to fight”
The best thing about being kidnapped is it’s like an automatic best friend who can’t let you leave or you’ll go to the police.
I only see psychics so that I can keep arguing with dead relatives.
EMOTICON GUIDE
🙂 I’m happy
😉 Having a seizure. Still happy
:/ Having a stroke. Not happy
🙁 I’m a grouper
.) Lost an eye. Still happy
Medical offices are like “download our patient portal where we’ll post your lab results then fax us your request for a username and password”
God: *creates oceans*
Lucifer: I SEA what you did there LOL
God: Get out
“IS THERE A DOCTOR ON THE PLANE???”
[i stand up super fast & knock myself out on the luggage compartment, requiring another doctor]
My bathroom scales need a new home. They weigh you 30 pounds over, and have slight damage from being thrown out a window, but aside from that, they’re fine.
Congratulations to the people who never took their Christmas decorations down you’re almost there
ME: (in prison) Come on man! I know you can bust us out of here!
KOOL-AID MAN: *closes his bible and looks up* I’m not about that life anymore.
My 3-year-old stubbed his toe and then cried and screamed I’M DYING,” so I silently looked at my husband and he sighed and said, “I know. He got that from me.”