ME: Whats the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled?
WIFE: Cooler
ME: *lights cigarette and runs my fingers through my hair* What’s the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled, babe?
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Two hundred dollars for a women’s blazer?? Am I paying it to do the work for me??
The hubby, son and I are all working from home today, this is my goodbye tweet.
[during sex]
Me: So do you LIKE like me or
What’s upsetting about hearing my neighbor have sex is realizing she can hear me ask my dog if we’re best friends multiple times a day
Forget secret ingredients. Competitive baking show contestants should each have a toddler they have to care for while they cook.
I can almost always tell if a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs
my sister is about to have a baby and my brother showed up to the hospital in a suit because “first impressions matter”
The average person eats 8 spiders a year
*eating 2nd bowl of spiders*
“WHO’S AVERAGE NOW DAD?”
A lady at the store was returning a dozen donuts. I’ve never been so confused. What kind of monster does that?
Him: How many glasses of wine have you had today?
Me: One, but it was in the shape of a giant bottle.
Friend: OMG did u see the thing on the news about the sinister clowns?
Me: *flashback to me watching the debate* yeah I think I saw that
1st date: get whatever you want
2nd date: these desserts are expensive
3rd date: let’s split an appetizer
4th date: waiter, I have a coupon
Me: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: how do you like it
Me: idk I haven’t eaten it yet
Called in, “I can either stay home today and learn to play this accordion or bring it in with me. Your call.”
Essential oils? You mean WD40?
Did you know that the sound of fallen leaves scattering across the pavement in the wind sounds just like someone running up behind you in the dark?
Did you also know I can run 83 mph?
No. I wasn’t being sarcastic.
I was being a giraffe.
I was feeling very depressed the other week. I went to my psychiatrist and told him I was suicidal.
He asked me to pay in advance.
My brain acts like Windows 10. It wants to update and I just want to shut down.
There are no atheists in the passenger seat when I drive.
Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: Oh thank god, I have been locked out of my old Dropbox for years.
20s: break dances in bar with traffic cone on head
30s: tries to walk in heels without breaking ankle
40s: yawns too hard and breaks rib
Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.
Cats are not as loyal as dogs are. But at least they won’t tell the police where the bodies are….
I just realized that there is absolutely nothing stopping me from telling elderly people that I wrote Despacito
I once broke up with a guy because he ate half my french fries, and when I get really lonely, I still think about those french fries.
me: I need a new shirt
stores: way too small or ridiculously oversized?
I’m one salad away from identifying as a rabbit
therapist: you are your own worst enemy
me: undefeated baby
Are these grass-fed oranges?