all i’m saying is if you genuinely think the up-scaled gorilla would ever beat the NUCLEAR-POWERED GIANT LIZARD MONSTER in a fight then i fundamentally don’t understand you as a person
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“You drive me to drink!”
-I shout at my taxi driver.
ME: You win some, you lose some
WIFE: Where are the kids
I saw the most beautiful woman at the store today so of course I did the sensible thing and imagined what our whole life would be like if we fell in love and then I never spoke to her.
[Amazon marketing emails]
‘BUY BOOKS!’ *delete*
‘BUY CD’s & DVD’s!’ *delete*
‘BUY TABLETS & PCs!’ *delete*
‘BUY HOME DEFIBRILATORS!’ *del—*
*looks in mirror*
Hmm *—add to basket*
The emotional roller-coaster of catching the bouquet, then remembering I’m at a funeral.
I got a message on Facebook that said, “Your a lawyer, right?”
Me, “*You’re.”
May have lost a new client but they learned something today.
Relationship so bad you start relating to Taylor Swift songs
Fun Fact: For the cost of a dozen red roses, you could also get a dozen beers and a dozen wings at happy hour. Prob even pay for parking too
this spot reserved for good ol boys that know how to smoke a brisket
ME: I’ve fallen for you.
JIU JITSU INSTRUCTOR: you’re terrible at this.
I was pretty happy getting a lot of honks for my “Honk, if you love Jesus” bumper sticker but I can’t help wondering if it’s because of that red light I sat through three times now.
Billboard just announced the song of the summer. It’s the sound of your spouse chewing.
Some people smoke cigarettes, drink, post too much on social media…I wait for a windy summer day, find a wedding in a park, show up and release thousands of sheets of paper, tripping after them down the aisle through the crowd wailing “my novel!! my novel!”
Hey everyone, my mom’s following me on Twitter now, so ixnay on all the eetstway about the ugsdray and exsay and acismray. Thanks
[birdwatching]
Ah, let us behold the majesty of the Bald eagle. And let us acknowledge the social awkwardness of the Combover eagle.
Wine improves with age, I improve with wine.
[blind date]
her: this is nice, i was worried you’d turn out to be weird or something
me: i lost my virginity on a ghost pirate ship
her: ah there it is
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
thought we’d see more kids named goku by now
I have no idea where my birth certificate or social security card are, but here are 417 receipts from Target from the past 2 years.
When you get your nails done to show up all the haters it’s a mani petty
I #respectfully #trot when you let me cross the street in front of you. I salute the #power of the automobile.
*chasing after the person that just robbed my house*
TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SO I KNOW YOU GOT BACK SAFELY
shoutout to the girl on reddit who posted saying “my partner didn’t inform me he’s having unprotected sex with someone else” and then elaborated that the “someone else” is the guys wife, who he is married to
I’ve reviewed your insurance & laughter really is the best medicine.
Now that I think about it, I don’t believe Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny Devito were twins at all
teacher: your son doesn’t think that 6 is a number
me: oh lol totally forgot we told him that
Haven’t seen Paranormal Activity 4 yet so PLEASE don’t tell me which lamp falls over.
*brings donuts to work*
Co-worker: I have a gluten allergy, so I have to watch what I eat.
Me: Cool, then you can WATCH me eat this donut.