If anything happens to me and I die, please don’t tell my husband how many times I’ve used garlic powder instead of real garlic.
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Minister: Should anyone present know of a reason why this couple should not be joined in holy matrimony, speak now, or…
Me: I’m so glad you asked, she still hasn’t returned two of my favorite Tupperware containers.
Harry Potter and the Uber of Eats
They agreed upon ‘almond milk’ when the original name – flavoured nut water – was rejected by test audiences, for whatever reason…
I’m not much of a wrestler, can this alligator play badminton?
Wife: pick a Christmas movie to watch.
Me: Lord of the Rings.
Wife: that’s not a Christmas movie.
Me: then why does it have elves?
Wife:
Me: plus Gandalf looks like Low Carb Santa.
Me: I pull a sword from my forehead
Nerd: Not realistic
M: so dungeons and dragons are real?
N: …
M: so, I pull a sword from my forehead
How did human beings express empathy before the phrase “that sucks” was coined?
Did you know stuffing your bra with toilet paper works pretty well…
except when it rains.
me: [teary eyed] if anything ever happened to you i would kill myself
her: ur kinda weird for a surgeon
Many years ago I took a Cosmo quiz to discover the best names for my future kids. Seamen and Boomquifa have yet to appreciate my efforts.
7-year-old: I found a penny.
Me: Good job.
7: How many more do I need for college?
The most unbelievable part of any Christmas movie is that characters my age are homeowners
[skydiving, first jump]
INSTRUCTOR: everyone ready?
EAGLE: yes.
HAWK: check.
SPARROW: ready.
PENGUIN: this is a really bad idea.
“My dream is to create something that both dogs and fraternity brothers will enjoy chasing with equal vigor.” — inventor of the frisbee
You ever look at a crazy person in a drive-thru window and scream “credit or debit is fine!” and then realize the window wasn’t open and you’re screaming at yourself?
I love when I make people laugh so hard they spit out their water…
Or food…
Or baby…
Hangover status: playing duct, duct, tape with the kids.
centaur: *falls down* I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: agh I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
Colleague: want some popcorn? Keeps you young and beautiful like me
Me: Really? Looks to me you should’ve been eating a hell of a lot more
When a meteorologist gets angry they storm out
I’m suspicious of polyamory because a good relationship is like a conspiracy to assassinate the president. You must trust in your fellow conspirators completely, so you have to keep the group as small as possible.
Of all the things I’m not allowed to use, I guess it’s the chainsaw that hurts the most.
MURDERER: *while murdering me* I feel like you’re not taking this seriously.
ME: *eating a Belgian waffle* Wut?
Impressing a girl who owns cats on our date by eating so fast I throw up
*tells the kids to stop skateboarding in the house*
**skateboards in the house after they go to sleep**
According to WebMD, given my symptoms, I died 9 years ago.
In the shower: so nice hearing the kids playing and laughing together
Out of shower: oh that’s screaming and crying and the house is burning down
I AM A THREE THOUSAND YEAR OLD SHRUNKEN HEAD AND I DEMAND TO BE REHYDRATED.
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them, coincidence, I think not.
I go trick or treating dressed as a postman early in the morning and do the postman’s exact route one house ahead so no one trusts him.