BREAKING: Pizza Chain Just Assumes That Because You Ordered A Pizza Online That You’d Really Like An Email From Them Every Single Day
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[girl chatting up guy at bar]
girl: so what do you do?
magician: i halve a girlfriend
My nephew, who’s about to turn 9, has asked for only one thing for his birthday: a clown ventriloquist puppet. In other news, I told my sister I’m no longer available for babysitting
Sit-ups are no fun, sharpie abs are definitely the way to go if you want permanent results.
Me: “Can you please help me with my Tinder profile? I’m not having much luck”
My wife:
If by chipper you mean woodchipper, then yes, I have a chipper personality.
*opens door*
Stop screaming!
*opens door*
What broke?!
*opens door*
Just wait until I get out there!!
~parenting from the bathroom
My dad said he thinks his new gf is the one and I said well technically she’s the fifth one
My new favourite thing is Italian mayors and regional presidents LOSING IT at people violating quarantine. Here’s an eng subtitled compilation. “I hear you wanna throw graduation parties. I’m gonna send the police over. With flamethrowers.” #Covid19 #coronavirus
Dammit! Woke up before I went to sleep, again.
I saw this sign two days ago and I can’t stop thinking about ‘Worse’
I SCREAM
YOU SCREAM
WE ALL SCREAM BECAUSE MY WIFE IS DRIVING WITHOUT HER GLASSES ON AGAIN!!
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy football?
ME: Okay, I’m a quarterback with wings
Hypnotist: Let’s go back to your childhood. Where are you now?
Me: I’m watching Golden Girls with my grandmother.
H: Which episode?
M: The one with the dance contest.
H *opening bag of chips*: Go on….
Objects in motion tend to resent objects on the couch not in motion.
Missing area man described as boringly conventional, was easily found by multiplying height x width.
*Me coming home after a frustrating day*
Grandmother: *sensing I could use a win* How about those…upped dogs, eh?
Cats are weird. They look at you like they want to set you on fire then look all surprised when you toss them into the ceiling fan.
My ex got engaged at Christmas but apparently responding to the news with “LOL” is “a representation of everything that is wrong with me.”
I never understood movie scenes where they have to train assassins. just drop me in some hot climate, don’t feed me and I’ll kill everyone.
The recommended age to have a Ouija Board is 8+ years old.
So, you need to be 21 years old to drink alcohol and 8 to summon the devil.
Tip of the day: Don’t try to scratch an itchy ankle while on a treadmill.
I’ve got three children’s parties in the next 24 hours.
If I don’t make it: tell my kids it’s their fault.
I wonder if tap dancers walk into a room, look at the floor and think, “I’d tap that.”
*10 min into new workout*
Me: are my knees supposed to make this screaming sound?
*knuckle tats*
( S | H | H | H) ( H | H | H | H )
(I’m a librarian)
wife *resting after surgery*
me
wife
me [holding flowers and a Transformers birthday balloon] They didn’t have any that said “Get Well Soon”
Get in loser, we are going dumpster diving.
Imagine being held hostage for an entire video game and when your rescuer finally gets to you they were like, “Sorry it took so long, I had to find a special hat and help some villagers collect blueberries.”
me: *kicks a stone*
mountain: my baby