*holding cardboard sign by intersection*
NOT POOR JUST ON MY WAY TO BREAK DANCING SCHOOL
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“Look at me at me when I’m talking to you, lady. Oh, no, no, not you, lady. I call my daughter lady. I’m so sorry.”
* me, in public on more than one occasion.
If you’re going to the hospital for a covid-19 test make sure you bring with you a valid form of identification along with a printout of your IMDB page and/or your Basketball Reference stats
When my Internet is down for more than 2 minutes, I assume Western civilization has collapsed so I start looting.
As it may promote gay propaganda & non traditional sex, pictures from my workout this afternoon will not be published.
me: if i follow them, will i see their tweets?
Twitter: absolu-
Twitter algorithm: no.
“Wanna hear a joke?”
“Alright then.”
“What’s the difference between a toilet and a fridge?”
“I don’t know,”
“You’re disgusting.”
Bi women make the best comedians because we can never keep a straight face.
Thanks for following
Best “black friday” deals come when your neighbors leave their windows unlocked.
Cop: My informant told me where the killer is
Chief: Nice. Did he give you a name?
Cop: No chief *frowns* my parents did that
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
im no good at video games
“no one is at first just give it a shot”
alright
*presses start and mario just sits down*
I think if a trained monkey could drive a car, cook & give out money, my kids wouldn’t notice it wasn’t me. I need a monkey.
my wife came home from church and caught me and Gary trying her jeans on again .
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
Everyone at Schrödinger’s funeral looking at his coffin
Mother in law said if she was married to me, she’d poison my wine. I said if I was married to her, I’d drink it.
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
Oscillating fans are for when you want to be cool every 4-8 seconds.
Happening now: The young lady sitting next to me on the plane sneezed & I said “Bless you” & she thanked me then she immediately sneezed again & I said “You only get one” and oh she did NOT laugh
[sees a zebra for the first time]
What’s up with that horse?
[sees a giraffe for the first time]
Okay, what the hell is going on today?
Husband: Your too much of a perfectionist. I want a divorce.
Me: (through tears)”you’re”
Not to brag, but according to my husband I can help with any home improvement project by getting the hell out of the way.
sisqo: [filing a missing persons’ report] she had dumps like a truck
cop: i keep telling you, i don’t know what that means
me: I want to travel to the victorian era & meet a real gentleman [takes time machine back to 1860 England]
man: 31? what are u my grandma?
this one time, I was able to rob a bank armed with nothing but a notebook filled with poetry I wrote in the 8th grade
Social distancing in Australia:
Ladies, if you love zoos and meet a nice man who’s in charge of one, he’s a keeper.
I once worked with a girl named Brittanica…she was a bit aloof though I didn’t really know how to read her
Seriously joggers?! You’re gonna run and carry on a conversation at the same time?
And I’m all outta breath just finishing this McMuffin!!!
Me: Pick that up!
7: Can’t you?
Me: You’re lower to the ground
7: But you’re used to doing things that aren’t funHow’s your summer going?