The corner of this table hurt me and made me cry, so now we’re dating
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Today, I got gas for $1.59/gallon…
Unfortunately, it was from Taco Bell.
I’m going commando for Valentines day. He’s going to be so surprised when I parachute into his yard and blow up his house.
if humidity has a million haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 100 haters l, i am one of them. if humidity has 10 haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 1 hater, i am that hater.
Me: So, other than the slow start, not engaging with the readers, a meandering plot, an absence of a POV, and wooden dialogue, you think it’ll be a best seller?
Editor: No, that’s not what I’m saying.
cops: we’re gonna test your blood for drugs
me: lol why? my blood didn’t do any drugs, i did
Ladies. Even the most mundane chore is better in a Princess Leia costume.
Therapist: and what do we do when we’re feeling sad?
Me: put on a flowy duster and a fringed scarf and sing along to Landslide on repeat while we sway back and forth and channel the goddess Stevie
Therapist [downloading Fleetwood Mac]: this session is on me
[Patient room]
ME: …so that’s why I need to drain the abscess on your leg
PATIENT: What’ll it feel like?
ME: Honestly, it feels amazing & truly gratifying knowing that I’ve been able to help someone in a dark time
PATIENT: No, I meant for me
ME: Oh. It’s gonna hurt like hell
Swords just aren’t naturally “wooooshy” enough for me, that’s why I add the noise. That’s why I add the noise, Janet.
Every time someone makes a typo, I look at the location of the letters on the keyboard to consider whether it’s justified.
If you want to receive a text message every 3 minutes for an hour, send your husband to the grocery store.
Why do they call it “a crystal meth addiction” and not “methamaddicts?”
[ first date ]
Me. Do you take drugs?
Him. I never touch them.
Me. Perfect. Can I have a urine sample?
I don’t download pirated music or movies anymore because I simply no longer know how.
It’s not the holidays until I see two minivans with red noses lock antlers over a parking space at Target.
I can’t find my scrabble set and I’m honestly lost for words.
I cooked a new recipe for dinner and my 6yo ate it. If you need me, I’ll be out buying a lotto ticket because today is clearly my lucky day!
Dear guy that just shoplifted a brick from the supply centre, how close are you to finishing the construction of your dream home?
20s: I do yoga so I can be better in bed
30s: I do yoga so I can get out of bed
The running up the steps scene from Rocky, but it’s a penguin, and it takes four and a half hours.
[Casio headquarters, 1975]
CEO: We need to make our calculators more versatile. Give me your ideas.
First executive: Maybe they could also be phones?
Second executive, a smoker who often oversleeps: I have a better idea.
I was taking my diazepam before my flight and the Swiss guy in the seat next to me saw and guessed I was nervous, so he asked me if I liked cats and then showed me a photo of a cat dressed as a pilot and said “I heard he’s flying our plane, I think we can trust him” 😭
[eyeing a beautiful woman]
ME: mmmm I love tight yoga pants
HER: they look terrible on you
I use the incognito browser to search how to do the things I told my wife I know how to do
A Muslim in London just told me Merry Christmas. I smiled and said and Happy Ramadan to you. A beautiful moment of interfaith harmony and a stunning rebuke of Brexit. Then she said but it’s not Ramadan and I said listen granny stop ruining this fake story I need the retweets.
Love that ‘beat the number’ electronic sign speed game!
So fun when the officer celebrates your high score with the lights & a certificate!
HER: help I’m drowning!
ME: what’s the magic word?
HER: *gurgling* PLEASE![Later]
ME: *quietly to coroner* it was abracadabra
casino dealer: ok all bets on the table
cat: [pushes bets off the table]
dealer: stop that are you in or out
cat: YES
By the time he entered rehab, Popeye was more spinach than sailor man.