Me: Enough with the reminders. I got it already.
Also me: Oh shit that was today.
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6: Can I have a baby sister?
Me *panicking*: Uh, well, the problem is that you can’t choose so the baby might be a boy.
6: Then can I have a turtle?
me: i know people call you a rescue, but, honestly, you rescued me
stale doughnut i pulled out of the trash:
Retweet this and something good will happen at some point in the near future that you can choose to attribute to having retweeted this.
*twirls fork through hair*
So, is it is really murder if you stab them when they stand between you and your cake?
The guy behind the counter asked me what I wanted on my sub and I said a collar and restraints and now I’m not allowed in Subway.
Probably the worst thing about dying a virgin would be all the dead terrorists that are waiting for you.
I just violently threw up for 6 minutes and now my coworkers think I’m the lead singer of Creed.
9: Mommy can I have a treat?
Me: It’s close to bedtime so no
9: A tiny piece?
Me: No
9: A molecule? An atom?!
Me: I’m glad you’re paying attention in Science but no. Not even a quark or neutrino
9: Is that a donut?
Why didn’t Wile E. Coyote just spend all that Acme money to buy an actual dinner?
Be nice to people on your way up so they won’t get suspicious when you’re rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport.
When I canceled my gym membership, I had to submit a too weak notice
toddler *starts taking his clothes off in the middle of the cereal aisle*
wife: Do something
me *starts throwing dollar bills*
wife: Do something else
Remember Chucky? This is what he looks like now.
Rededicate Christopher Columbus statues to the Chris Columbus who directed Mrs. Doubtfire
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
how do i become less stubborn? i’m willing to try nothing
Me: Why’d my bill go up?
AT&T: u got rid of ur land-line
M: But it should cost less if I have fewer services.
AT&T: And we threw in a donkey
M: I don’t want a donkey.
AT&T: Donkey removal is an extra $50
Alternate universe where all appearances of the word “lil” in rappers names have to be replaced with the word “teensy weensy”
*corruptly eats pizza with a spork*
Giving the guy at the park with a machete a wide berth.
[god creatig god]
GOD: make him omnipotent & onmipresent
ANGEL: ok…
GOD: and also provide no evidence he exists
ANGEL: ru sure
GOD: trust me
Even Forrest Gump got laid.
This is bullshit.
me: she had wide eyes and red hair,
police sketch artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
me: she had an amazing laugh, and loved to be tickled
artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
When anyone says they’ve embarrassed themselves enough for one day, I smile, nod and think ‘that kind of limit sounds nice’
If I had to homeschool kids because of the pandemic, recess would be 6 hours long.
idea for a movie:
a bear who is a parent
captures a psychotherapist
to cook as dinner for the cubs
and the movie is called
(and i’m very very sorry)
“kids, i honeyed the shrink”
Dodgeball but with random people that don’t know they’re playing.
Yes the weather in Iowa is bad, but the options are worse
Me: Now THIS is a housewarming party! Am I right or what? High five!
Firefighter:
This summer, camp counselors all over the country will shine flashlights under their chins and read the headlines.