*holds up bread* this is my body
*holds up wine* this is my blood
*holds up fire* and this is my mixtape
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After spending 20 minutes trying to get my girlfriends bra off, I decided to give up.
I wish I’d never put it on in the first place..
SNAKE: im gonna bite you
SNAKE CHARMER: u are so sexy
S: wha-
SC: *presses finger to lips* still wana bite me?
S: *blushes* well not anymore
My french toast just surrendered to my german sausage.
Breakfast is weird at my house.
I’m not saying that my husband is trying to kill me….
… I’m just saying that if I die from walking into an open kitchen cabinet that he’s the dumbass who left it open.
✨ check 🧵 for the bonus panels! ✨
Apparently everyone on the zoom calls outside my office finds my singing distracting.
I’m so out of touch with pop culture. My 5-year-old asked if DJ Marshmello was an actual marshmallow and I had to google it.
There’s a new trend in China where people make and eat spiceless “white people lunch”, as form of self torture.
And their commentary has me crying 😭
When my wife wanted to have a second child – her exact words were “it’s just rinse and repeat”.
To this day that’s still the funniest joke she’s ever told.
Sorry I romantically ran a seagull feather across your lips.
Me: this is almost as scary as the dmv haha
Dentist: haha yeah, my license is suspended
Me: oh, what do you drive?
Dentist: deep breath and count back from 3. drive?
That’s a nice piñata you have there… it would be a real shame if something weren’t to happen to it.
My husband wants to know why our microwave is suddenly filthy like the break room microwave back at his office. I only see one common denominator here.
The little Tabasco bottle waits patiently as you flirt with artisanal overpriced hot sauces, confident that you’ll always come home.
As a wife and mother my hobbies include rage cleaning, rage cooking, and rage folding.
*spills drink*
dammit these are my april pants
5-year-old: *spreads arms wide* I love you this much.
Me: Aw.
5: *spreads arms even wider* But I’d love you this much if we had a pool.
succession fans be like “the next episode is gonna be CRAZY” and the episode in question is “sign this piece of paper” “no”
[buried under a pile of geese]
Ah yes, murder most fowl. Excellent.
[Inside every wolf]
Me: Hey.
Me: Oh, hey.
I have a condition where if I don’t walk as fast as humanly possible wherever I go I will die. I’m like the bus in Speed
I swear, my kids will make me drive them to my own funeral. And then to the mall.
My uber driver asked me how my day was so I opened the door and quietly rolled into the road.
Took a Pfizer Covid vaccine with a Pfizer Viagra.
Now both arms are sore
Pretty sure I know what my wife’s getting me for my birthday cause when I guessed, “A 3-way?” she got all angry like I ruined the surprise.
Mufasa: you have forgotten who you are, what is wrong with you?
Simba: you could have appeared any time to tell everyone you were murdered? wtf is wrong with YOU?
Mufasa: this isn’t about me, now go
f i g h t m y b r o t h e r *evaporates*
Having kids is great because you get to ask fun questions like why is there a volleyball in the refrigerator?
i once worked with someone who told customers “sorry, it’s my first day!” any time they messed up. for 2 years straight
My wife: How does a summer road trip with the kids sound?
Me: Sounds like we had a good run.