{Me as a police trainee}
COP: So whoever killed him—
ME: Or WHATever kil—
COP: Nope. No. That’s not a real thing. WHOever killed him… did it with something sharp.
ME:
COP:
ME: *Quietly to myself* Or someONE sharp.
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Cool prank: lead 50 pugs to the top of a waterslide & send them down 1 by 1 as the parents waiting at the bottom get increasingly confused
me: who’s a good boy?!?! you are!! the best boy!! such a good boy!!
My boyfriend handing me my takeout: can you stop doing this
I love how people act like they don’t want to be followed in the street yet they keep looking back at you to see if you’re still there.
“She is not fine.”
~Sun Tzu
[opening birthday presents]
me: …is this another dead cat?schrödinger: *way too excited* we don’t know until you open it!
A headline said the economy is showing signs of unexpected vigor so i’ll have what the economy is having please.
*sees a spider*
I’m going to kill him
*turn around to get a shoe*
*turns back around and spider has 8 shoes*
Alright, let’s be cool here
Me: Come to my party. I’m making my “secret special punch.”
Her: You mean vodka & food coloring?
Me: Who told you my secret?!?
All my money goes to the poor…poor me.
My dog and I play this game, it’s called What Are You Chewing On Now?… it goes both ways
mood
Uh, guys… I just heard from my doctor, and it’s bad news. If you’ve retweeted me recently, you should really go get yourself checked out.
It’s like you don’t even care that I filled my pockets with mashed potatoes and gravy for you
Just drove past a new typewriter repair shop…
That’s not a front for anything illegal I’m sure…
I don’t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.
EGYPTIAN KING: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: what shall we worship?
EGYPTIAN KING: cats
Think I pulled my liver
In 3rd grade I cheated off my friend Rena’s test because I didn’t know where Washington DC was. Turns out she didn’t know where it was either.
That soy sauce packet is just living rent free in your drawers
Espresso Patronum!
– Me warding off morning people
So nice of you to stop by and visit. You must be very busy with all that (squints at logo on card) child protective servicing you do.
Nobody likes failing a CAPTCHA but you don’t need to worry if you’re really a robot unless you notice more than the normal amount of springs and gears in your poop.
Most drug-sniffing dogs refuse to admit they have a problem
[God creating penguins]
I want a bird that doesn’t fly but loves to swim, and make sure you dress it classy AF.
“people online aren’t your real friends” tom hanks was best friends with a volleyball.
I try to live my life everyday as if it were my last. And who wants to do laundry on their last day? Not me…
“I see you’re going somewhere. Guess I’ll walk right in front of you.”
— kids, pets, spouses
My 5-year-old “is the milk from nice cows?” Idk dude just eat your cereal
5 and I are playing “guess the number I’m thinking of” with no limits and no clues. He’s guessing sequentially from 1. Talk next week, guys!