Sailors who are unable to stop a ship properly are sent to 2 weeks of court-ordered anchor management.
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A fun thing to do on a first date is to slip into conversation that you were homeschooled then immediately be baffled by a fork.
[Titantic sinks]
Jack: wanna share that door so I don’t die?
Rose: [door lock noise]
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty
landlord: your income needs to be 3x rent
me: can you tell my boss that
I bet squirrels walk at a leisurely pace when no one is looking.
Q: Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake?
A: Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom!
#HappyBirthdayBob
I swear people love me but my Uber score says differently.
Paramedic: sir, blink twice if you can hear me
Me:
Wife: try again. I bet he can hear you, he’s just not listening
I want to be a large, Southern black woman who fans herself in church when I grow up.
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to me starting a fight club in the retirement home]
Me: creative differences
Me [murdering the last vampire] it’s the final count down!
Mother, may I invite the aliens over for dinner?
Around my neighborhood I’m affectionately known as “Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo.”
I don’t always cook dinner but when I do, I use every pan in the kitchen.
Emotional Fruit:
The Grapes of Wrath
The Apples of Annoyance
The Cantaloupes of Cantankerousness
The Plums of Pique
The Raspberries of Rage
The Bananas of Just Really Happy to See You
I avoid paying bills by yelling, ” Not it!” and throwing the envelopes back at the mail lady.
The seven year old I work for just informed me my haircut makes my hips look wider, so I have that going for me.
My cousin just announced that he and his wife are pregnant with their second child.
I had a big announcement too, but I guess getting a 24-pack of hot dogs for $2 will just have to wait.
I’m creating an “OnlyDans,” where Dans get together to complain about being called “Dan the man, Daniel-san” and “Danny Boy” our whole lives.
I can’t believe we live in a world where people actually pay money to run in a race.
Pay me $50 and I’ll make your life a living hell for an afternoon without the cardio.
Him: *whispering* you still awake
Me: *exhales loudly through harmonica*
[in the car]
4yo: Can my window go down?
Me: It can. Would you like me to roll it down for you?
4yo: Roll?! Why did you say roll?
Me: *spends rest of car ride explaining window cranks
My elbow watching me do a full skin care routine on my face.
I have a magnetic* personality
*Clingy and obsessive.
Bear mace is like regular mace but you have to buy it at the maul…
Thank you for your time.
Fall, when my kids clean the yard by bringing ALL the leaves into the house
I heard someone talk about all the sex they were having for like 20 minutes, and now I know how people feel when I talk about CrossFit.
MISSING CAT❗️
-Answers to the name “Chancellor Parsons” which is really aggravating because we named him Mittens.
*man choking*
Is there a doc in the house?
*Dr Pepper rises*
*searches man’s pockets*
Hey ur no doctor!
*moustache falls off*
*it’s Mr Pibb*
Someone cut in front of me in the salad bar line today.
I didn’t do anything because anyone who wants a salad that badly terrifies me.