Thank you, true crime show, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn’t stop that murder.
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The most valuable breed of cow are the Cash
[first date]
Him: Let’s take the stairs!
Me: I think we should see other people.
Liven up any boring conversation by telling people you have a glass eye and then watch them try and figure out which one it is.
Them: for a million dollars would you-
Me: I’m gonna stop you right there because you probably don’t want to know what I’m willing to do for a million dollars
god has let me live another day and i’m about to make it everyone’s problem
Surprise parties are great. Depress your friend by pretending to forget their birthday, then terrify them briefly
I’m 5’4″ – if I was supposed to be the bigger person, God would have made me taller
Going to start a band called The Subtweets. All songs will contain cryptic lyrics that incite paranoia in the crowd.
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t tripDon’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again– me running up the stairs
What pharmaceutical advertisements love most:
Slow motion
Flowery meadows
Horrifying side effects
Old people sex
White people making dinner
I got told once that “I don’t drink alcohol at company events and people find it off putting.” Then I pulled up the company manual saying “No drinking at company events.”
I just want a stalker that will power wash my deck while I’m at work
Someone was bragging on Facebook last night about managing to get into a store *after* official closing time to finish some Christmas shopping, and called it a “Christmas miracle,” and idk what the exact criteria is for getting visited by three ghosts on Christmas Eve but
Me [cracking open a beer]: Man, what a rough day.
Wife: IT’S 8 AM
This might not be true but we have house centipedes so I was looking up how to get rid of them and ppl were like don’t, they’re apex predators so they’ll eat all the other bugs, then the other centipedes and eventually you’ll be left with just one extremely powerful centipede
A pirate reminisces:
“Ar, at first, ’twas all fun and games.”
*rubs eye patch morosely*
Most of Twitter could probably use a good bop on the nose with a rolled up newspaper
You guys realize St. Valentine was beheaded, right?
[bleeding out]
ER Doctor: do you know your blood type?
ME: I’ve never really thought about it TBH. As long as it has a good personality
Remember, YOUR God is real. All those other Gods are ridiculous, made-up nonsense. But not yours. Your God is real. Whichever one that is.
A girl named Ruth quit working at our office. I’ve been referring to the office as “ruthless” since then. People are pissed.
Me (as a doctor): I’m afraid you have very moderately progressing gonorrhea
Patient: what? I don’t understand
Me (starts slow clap)
One thing I learned in my 20s is if a landlord or real estate agent tells you an apartment has character, they mean roaches
I was at the shops & the woman in front of me was asking where the cucumbers were
The assistant came back with a small cucumber & she said “yes I saw that but I want a big one” & I actually said out loud “that’s what she said” & yes I think I spend too much time on the Twitter
*spills water on pants*
ok don’t let anyone think you peed your pants
“hey what happ–”
MY WATER BROKE, GET ME TO THE HOSPITAL
“Welcome to D.A.D.D.D.S. Dads Against Dads Doing Dumb Shit. Repeat after me.”
[whole room] “AFTER ME”
“Ok fellas, lets start here”
If my ex taught me one thing it’s that women don’t like it when you sneak in their bedroom to watch them sleep after you’ve divorced.
I don’t think “House” was the right name for that Hugh Laurie show. Based on what I saw, it should have been called “Hospital”
You know who else doesn’t leave another man’s girlfriend alone?
Mosquitos