I had two mice from the local church at my door last night.
They wanted to talk to me about cheeses
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Naw, I don’t have jaundice. Just accidentally grabbed the wrong color foundation again.
God, grant me the serenity to accept this stolen property, the courage to sell it on eBay, and the wisdom to not get caught.
[First day as a superhero]
Oh hell yeah!
*sees a crime happening*
Already? Ok…
*the bad guy looks really mean*
Umm, I’ll get the next one
Like my wife always says, just because I’ve never seen it before doesn’t mean I didn’t lose it.
[job interview]
Panel: We’re looking for someone with intensity, focus, passion and drive
Me: *adjusting volume on Ipod* sorry what?
Just saw a woman eating pickled garlic straight out of a jar and although it was terribly disturbing, it did remind me that I really need to move that mirror
Before we have sex, please select every image that contains a bicycle.
Frankly, I don’t know how Jason and Freddy put up with all the screaming
Me: Hi. I’d like to deposit a large amount of cash.
Bank teller: Ok. Where is it?
Me: No, I said I’d like to.
ME: Please don’t make me do this.
WIFE: We have no choice, we’re behind on the mortgage.
ME: Hey, Kevin, can we borrow $2000?
MY 11-YEAR OLD SON WHO MAKES $40k A MONTH PLAYING DOTA 2: Who’s Kevin?
ME: (sigh) Hey, DongKnocker420Yeeeeet, can we borrow $2000?
waffles are just pancakes that ran into the screen porch door at full speed.
[recording studio]
me: [into microphone] studio
sound engineer: nice [takes off headphones] i think we got it
Never carry too many grudges at once, make a few trips so you don’t throw your back out.
Mom can you come pick me up? My in-laws are being racist again
Women: ugh, my period again
Me: In highschool I had 6 periods a day – No big whoop
Funny because it’s true. 🤣
[at a Doja Cat concert]
me [loudly]: PSPSPSPSPS
[nudging the person next to me on the bus until they remove their earbuds]
hey i think i saw a horse a couple miles back
My boss asked me for a brief word. I said “underpants?” and we laughed and laughed and I’m clearing out my desk.
Me: Will I live a long and happy life? *shake, shake, shake*
SOON A DOZEN CLOWNS WILL MURDER YOU WHILE YOU SLEEP
Me: This is the worst Magic 8 Ball ever.
Coworker’s 9yo son asked to write a diary of a character from Macbeth. He chose the King.
Day 1: excited about visiting ma wee friend macbeth and hoping he does nae kill me in ma sleep.
day 2 (ghost king): i cannae believe he killed me
God: So you want me to swap you and your BF’s places
Kate Bush: Yes
God: What’s in this deal for me?
Kate Bush: I’d be running up that road
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that hill
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that building
God: Yeah, it’s a no. NEXT
I’m the most spontaneous person in the world when it comes to making a decision to stay at home.
genie: wishes should be limited
monkeys paw: and come with consequences
shooting star: don’t forget rare
birthday candle: yeah and secret
dandelion: ok you guys need to relax
DOCTOR: You should lose some weight
ME: Ok I’ll consider it
VET: Your dog should lose some weight
ME: Hey bud, you’re going on a diet!
Hotel room coffee is still better than that whole relationship with you
Me: I don’t want to leave anything to chance
Chance: why do you hate me dad
If there is a god and he “loves” us then explain spiders
*controversially pours a glass of milk*
Time for me to sign up for the hallmark channel for the next two months.
there are a lot of white women in fur-lined parkas that I need to watch fall in love