ME: “My time machine works! I just killed Bobby Hitler!”
FRIEND: “You mean baby Hitler?”
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:”I’ll be right back.”
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Wife: We named you after Grandma
Me: Yes that was my idea!
Grandma: They all laugh at me at school
You know you’re too drunk to drive when you swerve to miss a tree then realise it was your air freshener.
Cop: So you admit it, you murdered all three real estate agents. Where are the bodies?
Me: *indicating on map* Location, location, location
To those of you who still feel like you’re superior, remember this; after this pandemic is over we will all have the skill level of a toddler when it comes to dressing ourselves.
Blowing your load on a girl counts as a baby shower right ?
If you’re like me, you woke up this morning with your vision MIRACULOUSLY CURED because you left your contacts in overnight.
“I have the memory ofGOD DAMMIT LINE PLEASE!”
“An elephant, Dumbo. You have the memory of an elephant.”
“
Me: why is my water bill always so high?
Me in shower:
I got catfished by someone claiming to be Mark Twain.
I like my women how I like my microwaved food.
Hot as hell on the outside and cold as ice on the inside.
I know repetitive noises irritate people so I’m surprised there weren’t more rage-induced murders back when typewriters were being used
If you see a kid who’s physically unusual somehow, be sure to mention it to the parents. Odds are, they’ve never noticed and will thank you.
I trained my dog to shake for a treat and now he works the room like the groom at his reception.
Women love to say “sexy AF”
or “hot AF” on Twitter ….If I’d known being in the Air Force
was that hot…I’d have stayed in !
Quarantine Day 26
Puts pictures of mom all around the house and runs with scissors laughing maniacally
Wanna come over? I have pizza and toilet paper
Dad: Nobody thinks you’re funny.
Me: People on Twitter think I’m funny.
Dad: What kind of drug is Twitter?
“No. No, I’m sorry, but there must absolutely be a hole right here.”
My dog, after removing the top soil I put in a hole she hadn’t touched in well over a year.
Me: Ok to empty the dishwasher I need to clear things away from the dish rack and before I do that I need to clear space in the drawer and before that…
~later~
My wife: Why are you on the roof painting the chimney?
Me: So I can empty the dishwasher.
In HS I was one of two people on the yearbook commitee & the supervising teacher never showed up so we filled it with stupid jokes/criticism of the administration, & when everyone got their yearbook the school recalled every single copy so they could be burned
*Looks out the window to see it raining fire and brimstone* “Oh man my car windows are down!”
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
Adhd brain is amusing.
I know I need to make a list, but I fight making a list, and then I go to the store and completely neglect everything I need and come home with a donkey.
My mug is Stanley. My cooler is Yeti. My driveway is snowy. Just one of these is truey.
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?
Pro-tip Ladies, try to refrain from plucking that one crazy hair from his nose while he’s sleeping. He won’t think it’s as funny as you do.
ME: i wish girls would flock to me
GENIE: ok
ME [a pumpkin spice latte]: SON OF A
59 days until Christmas. I better start untangling the lights.
I think I’ll keep wearing masks to concerts for the rest of my life so no one can tell when I forget the words