A trailer of The Exorcist comes on.
Non parents:
Aargh I can’t look.Parents with kids who don’t sleep:
Ah a film about bedtime
You Might Also Like
Sugar Daddy is just slang for high-fructose cornfather.
😂😂😂
Netflix an..holy shit! How’d you get your pants off that fast?
I think we should have a suggestion box at work but there’s no way for me to bring it up.
It took Marcel only a few meals to realize he didn’t like being a French cat.
kinda feel like the bridge overreacted
Connor Sadzeck Connor Happyzeck
*Belle falls in love with Beast*
Everyone: STOCKHOLM SYNDROME!! Called it!
*Belle speaks to furniture*
Everyone: this is fine
Co-worker: some food is way high in vitamins, k?
Me: that’s bananas.
*barges into bank with guns drawn
Alright everyone now be cool and no one gets hurt!
*hands out sunglasses all around
Nice. Nice.
A man drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how a Mercedes bends
“I wasn’t born yesterday.”
-hilarious talking baby
if you went to a thousand costume parties you would never see anything greater than this
5 is threatening Siri that he’s gonna turn off the iPad bc she’s not doing what he wants
omg thanks for ending the meeting 4 minutes early and “giving me some time back” — now I can finally pursue my passions
YES I HAVE HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE!!!! WHY DO YOU ASK?
Sometimes I think I’m pretty well-read and other times I see the word “doing” and pronounce it like it rhymes with “boing.”
[seconds after I am done vacuuming the entire house]
My Dog: I LOVE YOU AND I HAVE BROUGHT YOU THE ENTIRE LAWN AND SO MANY LEAVES!
[I see a cute girl reading a novel]
“Hi there. I couldn’t help but notice-”
*points at book*
“That you support the murder of trees.”
6-year-old: Spill me some milk.
Me: You mean “pour.”
6: Not the way you do it.
Interviewer: What are you passionate about? I want someone who’s full of passion. Passion is so motivational.
Me: I’m passionate about a paycheque, sir.
Me at home: I want peace on earth and good will to men.
Me while grocery shopping: If one more idiot blocks the aisle, I’m going to run them over with my cart like grandma getting run over by a reindeer.
ah yes, the Supreme Court
a regular court, but with diced tomatoes and sour cream
WEBSITE CEO: We need a fool-proof way to ensure everyone who enters the site is over 18
“What about clicking on a button that says I’m over 18?”
WEBSITE CEO: Bob, you have done it again
It’s all fun and games until the music playing over the dept store intercom gets to the lift part in Dirty Dancing, but the mannequin with no arms that you’ve been dancing with doesn’t catch you.
Really bruh?
[blind date]
HER: I like puns but they have to be, you know, artistic
ME: Vincent van…go on
I’m tired, you’re tired, we should probably sleep together.
To take full advantage of the never answer calls from an unknown number rule, you should also never assign names to numbers in your phone.
I was only mildly famous in the ’90s but vaccinate your kids