Debbie on Facebook tagged me in some game and said “don’t disappoint me” so I blocked her.
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I can’t find my toddler.
I can’t find the duct tape.
I’ve got a bad feeling about this.
Me: Now watch this amazing parallel parking job…
Wife: *Eyes roll
Me: You can’t see it with your eyes up there
If you give a man a fish you kinda suck at picking out gifts.
Dude at Starbucks just left the crowded store and went “Bye everyone,” and every single person in that store said goodbye I literally just met the main character
oh the aliens aren’t speaking to us right now because idk they’re pissed that we flaked out on that pyramid project they started or whatever
Was glad my kids didn’t scream for me to come deal with the bug but also concerned when they named him Jerry before they killed it.
Might send husband a nude so he’ll come upstairs. Then I’ll make him help with the laundry.
It was the best of times.
It was the worst of times.
It had mixed feelings about the times.
How are we supposed to fear a storm named Grayson? I’m fighting an urge to iron its prep school uniform or ask it for investment advice.
wife: didn’t i tell you?
me: yes, you did
wife: you didn’t listen
me: no, I did not
wife: what did i say?
me: you heard turtles in the walls
wife: what did you say?
me: i said you were crazy
wife: what will you do now?
me: i’ll call the turtle guy
wife: you’ll call the turtle guy
that picture of all the construction workers sitting on a steel beam eating lunch except its me & the boys sitting on the floor at game stop
*tells five other people to remember their toothbrush for vacation.
*forgets her own toothbrush.
[Dr.]
“Your blood is 40% cheese, if you eat ANY more you’ll die”
*slowly raises piece of cheese to mouth*
“Don’t do it”
*eats cheese*
*dies*
The 3 types of Christmas movies:
1. Movies about Santa.
2.People being changed by the Christmas spirit.
3. Die Hard
Doctor: how do you stay active?
Me: I just jiggle the mouse every 5min
Your table is ready. Samantha will show you to your table by speed walking through our busy dining room. we will lose some of you in the process.
By allowing my children to play their music & video games loudly, I’m able to get candy out of its wrapper into my mouth unseen.
Hey everyone, try my new soft drink. It’s called MOIST
I’ve been given feedback that I mention my favorite serial killer too quickly at social events.
I don’t know how he put it in from that angle, but I liked it.
-me watching hockey
My dog’s dinner: premium organic grain-free no salt or sugar GM free 80% meat 20% veg
My dinner: Haribo
there are three types of writers;
1) those who plot their books
2) those who discover their plot along the way
3) those who know what will happen but their book is a bit feral still, needs a bath, has bitten and will bite again
I’ve done the math, and 97% of people who “light up a room” get murdered.
By the end of their life, everyone will have appeared in at least two Fast & Furious movies
her: your costume is highly inappropriate
me: oh relax, it’s not like it’s a “sexy” hot dog suit haha
her: well, regardless it’s time for you to give the eulogy
My wife is out of town so I learned how to do laundry who knew clothes didn’t fold themselves?!?
Tell me one musician who was born to ask permission to go online.
I’ll start: Kenny Loggins
WAITER: Would you like Parmesan cheese on your meal?
ME: Yes
WAITER: Say when
ME: Well now makes the most sense