I’m not gay but I support their “agenda” – working, having a family, living in safety and fair, equal treatment.
Pretty radical shit.
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Remember folks, the more you decorate for the holidays, the more flammable your house & property. Happy Holidays!!
*tries CBD oil for the first time*
“OMG OMG I FEEL IT, I THINK I’M HIGH! I’M TOTALLY HIGH”
“Ma’am, there are little to no narcotics in that”
“So you’re saying there’s a chance”
This cat poop tastes like I’m about to get yelled at.
— Dogs
I’ve been kicked out of my gym for dressing like the grim reaper and standing silently behind people on treadmills.
Chameleons have a hard time getting good photos of other chameleons because they’re too small to hold cameras
The Hulk just texted me a picture of a zucchini, I think?
The Seven Deadly Sins:
1. Envy
2. Gluttony
3. Greed
4. Lust
5. Pride
6. Calling Lego ‘Legos’
7. Wrath
eating red meat increases your chances of dying by 13%. i now have a 113% chance of dying.
[Jesus at Last Supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*opens jar of mayo*
Judas: I’m gonna stop u right there
I’m not a religious person but I am thankful that God didn’t make spiders that fly.
detective: [examining dead body] do we know who he is
me: yeah we got his name from his coffee cup
detective: what was it
me: starbucks
an intruder breaks into our home. he goes for the knife drawer but I’m standing in the way. he moves to another drawer but there I am again. my wife nods.
German chocolate cake is just regular cake that doesn’t talk about the 40’s
This day in history. 1810. Sweden declared war on its ally the United Kingdom initiating 2 years of fairly spiteful Christmas card exchanges.
Sponch
I’ve been putting my sunglasses on and walking away from things in slow motion all day, nothing has exploded yet.
Cauliflower: *ring ring*
Textiflower: *ping*
I’m still disappointed that Penguin and Random House merged to become Penguin Random House and not the more hilarious Random Penguin House.
You can never be accused of overstaying your welcome, if you don’t go anywhere.
I taught my son how to spell beer so he’d stop bringing me Pepsi from the fridge.
Kids today are so spoiled with their yummy gummy vitamins. It’s nothing like when I was a kid and we had to chew on orange-flavored chalk.
[amusement park]
me: *arms up, screaming*
cashier: but that is the price
If your friend says they can’t swim, don’t make them go in the water because they might be hiding the fact that they’re a robot and you don’t want them to know that you know.
Y’all!! I’m dying I ordered delivery to my hotel and here they have a robot that takes it up to you. The robot got here and then REFUSED to give me my food and instead just said “going home now” and drove off. Haha the future is WILD y’all
When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.
I never feel like a bigger failure than when my dog re-scratches something I just scratched for her.
I knew this neighborhood was classy enough for me when I saw there is a “Pregnant Only” parking spot in front of the Liquor store.
[at a party]
Host: may I take your coat?
Me: nah I’ll be needing that in about 10 minutes
Even if you don’t pay, they’ll usually let you go through a car wash at least once a day without a car.
Accidentally triple-knotted my laces so I guess I’m wearing these shoes for the rest of my life.