never register for a class that says “space is limited,” because whoever’s running it clearly has no respect for science
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One thing I like about hiking is taking an uber to the woods and saying thanks and getting out of the car and disappearing into the trees as if I have an appointment somewhere deep in the forest
“Sorry, we can’t sell you one jalapeño for 35 cents. But we can sell you a plastic-wrapped styrofoam tray with 8 jalapeños on it for $2.99. Then you can use the one jalapeño you need, and let the rest go moldy in the fridge for a couple weeks before you toss them out.”
Good morning babe! Do you like good girls? [Starts making you breakfast] or bad girls [burns the toast]
Him: How did you get in my house?
A skunk got into my kitchen last night when I was cooking dinner and the smell was so bad he went right back out.
Men love me.
Germs fear me.Or vice versa, whatever
Me: You’re so selfish!
Her: I’m selfless! I spent the last 4 weekends giving back to my community.
Me: Oh Please, that was court-ordered..
Technically, iPhone chargers are apple juice.
I was searching for how to hit a deer and survive but now my history makes it look like I’m hunting deer with my car
So I’m sitting, minding my own business when *BAM*
Nothing happens
When I die, I am going to haunt a hot dog and make it jump out of the bun like a dolphin.
*singing* Got a feeling 22 is gonna be a good year
“Israeli scientists train goldfish to steer car”
If I didn’t have an imaginary friend as a child does it mean that somewhere at some point in time I WAS the imaginary friend?
“”What if – and this sounds crazy – what if we based the look on this drawing my 3 year old made?” – Design team for Kia Soul
Every time I text this guy, he replies with “Sorry, I’m driving.” It’s been a few days. I’m guessing he’s probably made it to Mexico by now.
therapist: and what motivation will we use ?
me: hate fueled spite ?
therapist: no
I only had kids so I’d have a valid excuse for always being late
Pretending that you’re feeding the garbage disposal like a hungry baby bird does not hurt anyone.
felt that
HUSBAND: Why are you eating food in line when we’re buying takeout?
ME: It’s my warm up sandwich.
I’m excuse, what’s your drunk
“You’re getting an MFA in English? Wasn’t your Bachelor’s useless enough for you?”
-second degree burn
The person who named the Sea of Tranquility on the Moon had to be a realtor.
I’m thankful for cell phones because carrying around 85,626 photos of my dog in my wallet wouldn’t be easy.
kidnapper: [opens trunk] get up
me: ʲᵘˢᵗ ⁵ ᵐᵒʳᵉ ᵐᶦⁿᵘᵗᵉˢ
The Hallmark channel. Where else can you watch a two hour movie and not recognize a single actor?
Cop: have you been drinking tonight?
Me: no sir
Cop: *rips off mask to reveal my mother* well you need to stay hydrated
According to a new study, people who often trail off in the middle of a sentence are 30% more likely to
I just need you to see the stairs in an apartment I viewed. Am I a mountain goat?
I either text back right away or never, because I saw your text, replied in my head but forgot to actually type it.
So you’re telling me that the Portuguese women’s football team aren’t known as Portugals?