do you feel like your mouse is heavier when you’ve copied something and lighter again once you’ve pasted it or are you normal?
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I don’t have friends with ugly babies mostly because I believe in honesty
[Heaven]
Me: What happened?
God: You were sending a DM & got hit by a bus.
Me: I only have one ques-
God: Sorry, man. She was totes a dude.
I act like I’m ok, but really this hummus is a bit spicier than I anticipated.
When people shorten words for no reason it makes me want to commit murds.
There’s a Beverly Hills restaurant so hip, it doesn’t have a name just a texture
everyone (crying, begging): please…you cannot be both hot and nice. just pick one
me: no
I hate it when I think that there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle …
Be to, or be not to, the question, that is.
– Yoda does Hamlet
Look, when I said I would “do anything” to bring Eurydice back from the Underworld I obviously meant “besides walk in a straight line without turning around”
If I were married, my wife would not be shoveling snow after working a long shift. Not with these gutters that need cleaning.
Bikini season is right around the corner…But so is Chipotle
“Whoa! Hey there, buddy, leave me out of it. This has got nothing to do with me.”
– The Horse You Rode In On
My mother-in-law asks my wife to help colour her hair. I make a joke about assisted dyeing and they both stare at me. Tough crowd.
It’s almost like those two bowls of chili made me sleepy
[on my deathbed]
Me: Where…*cough* where is your father?
Kids: *crying by my side* being consoled by your girlfriends.
Me: I’M UP!!!
My review of Godzilla vs Kong is the same as for the last four flicks:
NEED LESS HUMAN TALKY TALKY
NEED MORE MONSTER PUNCHY PUNCHY
I wish gyms had a “montage” option
I just want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like “If the puma seems restless, let him splash in the Jacuzzi a bit.”
40ish year old me thinks 18ish year old me should’ve planned something better with her life.
WIFE: you probably need a shower
KID: why? how do I smell?
ME: *without looking up* with your nose
[ no-look high five from WIFE ]
Quadruple digit IQ
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
If you come across a bear, never push a slower friend down…even if you feel the friendship has run its course.
The first 16 hours after getting out of bed are the hardest.
Blowing kisses to my coworkers so that nobody talks to me today
The new Barbie movie should be an accurate depiction of her. Her knees should not bend, her house should have no walls, and the elevator should break all the time.
Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.
I know that now…
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. Sweating and panting while trying to open this Amazon package, however…
Twitter: Cause why drunk dial one person when you can drunk dial the world?
[Talking Heads GPS]
YOU MAY FIND YOURSELF HEADING NORTH ON MAIN STREET. AND YOU MAY ASK YOURSELF HOW DID I GET HERE. AND YOU MAY TELL YOURSELF I NEED TO MAKE A U-TURN.