A lot of people hate when I speak Spanish around them, I don’t blame them because most times I’m talking about them.
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Chores are important for teaching kids the value of working just hard enough to mollify people with actual power
[At work]
“guys check this out”
[Tries to do the fake walking downstairs thing but gets it wrong & walks up into the air]
“Holy shit help”
Spiders and snakes are vital parts of the eek!osystem.
Me: *walks into room*
My cat, hanging by two paws, swinging from the lampshade: Hi.
Me: *walks back out of room*
Her: I like guys that are confident
Me *looking her square in the eye* worcestershire
ME: You bring that cash you owe me?
ELEPHANT: Oh, sorry man, I forgot.
ME: No you didn’t.
that colleague who touches your screen
They say it takes a village to raise a child, but they never tell me which village or how to reach them.
Me: God, I’ve been super stressed lately
My skin: would a bunch of pimples help?
FACT: Had kids for one reason; to send them to the basement for paper towels when I run out of them in the kitchen. It’s scary down there.
developing a crush on a writer is like oh great now i got all this reading homework
I wore pink pants to work today and multiple people thought I was not wearing pants at first glance. So what I’m saying is…I am so classy that several people considered that I may have been pantsless. At work.
[dragging bathtub into the kitchen]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Toaster cord is too short.
Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.
I know that now…
[vet office]
ME: *puts cat on counter* He’s sick
VET: How so?
ME: Look
*cat’s arranging magazines & gently tosses empty cup in garbage*
[At the store]
Me: Where are your masks?
Kids: We didn’t bring them.
Me: Why not.
Kids: Because you didn’t tell us like mom would.
Sleeping Beauty has a pretty good situation going on until Prince Charming came and screwed it up.
When I die, PLEASE don’t bury me in a fancy suit. That happened to a guy I knew and it turned him into a skeleton.
Just once I’d like to see a hostage negotiator aim higher than pizza
A thread of some SAVAGE/DEEPEST REPLIES in “Black Panther”
1.
[mall food court]
Me: *stomach rumbling* OMG not now
Brain: Too bad you hate using public washrooms
My White Undies: Sweet baby jesus no
captain: enemy sub approaching, activate the sauna
1st mate: dont you mean sonar
captain (already in towel): full steam ahead
Fun fact: zombies actually walk normal when they’re drunk
These are my emotional support Pringles.
theory: eating m&ms one at a time will decrease my chances of eating them all in one sitting and feeling terrible later.
findings: I am going to barf very soon.
Sixteenth rule of fight club: membership dues received after the 5th of the month will incur a 10% processing fee
the tiny monsters are on their way. and my job. is to hold this bucket of snacks for them. i was told they can only take one. but that’s not my rule to enforce
16: ‘We should put a flat screen on the wall!’
Wife: ‘I really don’t like mounting things.’
Me: *mumbles ‘No shit.’
W: ‘What was that??’
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes