There is no “five second rule”…
Just a “shame-to-hunger” ratio.
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What idiot named them Minions and not Gru-pies
born to say “are you f*****g stupid” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you save from no longer having a social life.
Remember to kick Friday right in the panty hamster.
Me with a black eye: You should see the other guy – he looks amazing. I think he moisturizes.
Plumber: I think I found the problem
Last minute gift idea:
Give someone a bucket of water and tell them your sorry their ice sculpture melted
if a bee sting u, u get a lil pain but the bee dies so who really wins? “lol im OWNING all these bees” i say as i put my face in the beehive
My favorite thing about Twitter is that you can broadcast your opinion about anything, defend your opinion in an argument, and always run the risk of the person arguing with you being the one who literally created the thing you’re arguing about.
You know what would make my cubicle super cute? Fire.
Doc: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in the bed.
My 8yo daughter met a girl at summer camp last year named “Internet.” I said no way, that can’t be her name but my daughter has been adamant. For almost a year we’ve been having this discussion.
ANTOINETTE. I just found out her name is Antoinette.
Pronounces Canada like armada and i’m not from there so obviously i’m not sorry.
Cashing in my goldfish today.
Wish me luck!
Why did Shrek go with Smashmouth’s All-Star and not Roxette’s “It Must’ve Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now)”
I used to love pretending I was Captain America and flinging a garbage can lid at kids in the neighborhood. But then my wife made me stop.
My 1yo has been crawling around with a croissant in her hand all morning. Not eating it, just clutching it. I think it’s her Emotional Support Croissant.
friend: edible kick in?
me [washing my hands]: not yet
friend [turns on faucet]: you sure?
This Dollar Store thesaurus sure is coming in…
*shuffle shuffle*
…hippopotamus.
when all of your friends are at a bar that doesn’t allow you inside because one time you brought a sword in there
Hank is one in a melon.
Today we break bread and give thanks. Tomorrow I will throat-punch you at Wal Mart.
major respect for dracula, dude been coughing into his sleeve for decades already
2019: no carbs
2020: eats a loaf of Wonder Bread out of the bag like it’s popcorn at the movies
My boss: make sure you clear out your emails before going on vacation.
Me: *select all, delete*
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice.
Beetlejuice: Hey!
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice…
Another Beetlejuice: Hey! oh.
me: Beetlejuice…
Beetlejuices: please stop.
Is my kitchen floor clean enough to eat off? No. Does that prevent me from eating off it? Also no.
I don’t know if this is just an Italian thing but I have the complete inability to cook for less than 2,116 people at a time.
Dad: Tall latte
Barista: Sure thing. Can I get a name?
Dad: What your parents didn’t give you one?
*all the other dad’s give him high fives*
yes, we are a highly diverse company. susan in accounts is a goth