I’d like to thank the people who buy the gift bags. Because of you, I have never had to buy a gift bag. Thank you, from the bottom of my large gift bag filled with smaller gift bags.
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*sees cars lined up outside church*
wife: Is that a funeral or a wedding?
me: What’s the difference?
i hate being a girl i wish i was a computer virus
I’m not saying I hate you but if you
were on fire I’d bring sticks and marshmallows.
[kneeling down to watch a worm disappear into a little worm hole in the dirt] godspeed brave little time traveler
Caught my son on an archaeology website looking at dirty pitchers.
I listen to a lot of white noise, so I get really excited when it rains or someone turns on a fan. It’s like seeing my favourite band live.
If it looks like I’m typing for five minutes I’m really just trying to spell diarrhea.
Apparently “The WiFi signal is the strongest there” isn’t the right answer when the boss asks “Why are you spending so much time in toilet?”
A girl who bullied me in junior high just friended me on Facebook. Her three kids are named after trees. I win.
the inventor of archery: man i wanna stab that guy over there
Date: I’m excited to taste your cooking. When will it be ready?
Me: In a minute I’ll have to peel back the plastic, stir and re-cover.
Nice try little pine tree air freshener, but this gas station restroom needs the efforts of an entire forest.
*Wife sends me a link*
*I click on link*
*Buy whatever’s at the link*
*wait for delivery*~Christmas shopping for my wife
Me: can I get a Coke please
Waiter: we only serve Pepsi here
Me: how about a lemonade then
Waiter: sir… we only serve Pepsi here
[cut to guy at the next table eating a plate of Pepsi]
“Hello, can I speak to Mr Featherstonehaugh please?”
“How are you pronouncing that?”
“It doesn’t matter, this is a written joke”
Pro Tip: don’t fall asleep during the middle of an argument with your spouse over whether or not you pay attention to her.
Me: Its a bear! Quick play dead!
*falls down and covers himself with leaves*
Her: We’re in a zoo!!
My Mormon neighbor said it was rude I assumed her husband’s surprise birthday party invitation was also an invitation to be her sister wife.
Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Hey guys, welcome to my cooking channel, be sure to smash that subscribe button *children’s voices at the door* ok! let’s get started
My neighbor just walked by carrying some pots for planting & I said “Looks like you won the pottery lottery!” Now everyone is mad at me.
Grimace: *commits crimes against the United States*
Law Enforcement: “We believe we’ve identified the purpletraitor”.
My boomer father in law couldn’t get his TV to work, the tv was plugged into a surge protector…that was plugged into itself.
I realize one day playing pranks on my kids, that I will end up in the cheapest retirement home available
My boss threw a Snickers at me and I caught it one handed so I think I’d be a good athlete if sports were played with candy bars
Cover letter? Here’s my resume twice.
Can I donate fat instead of blood?
Sorry I followed your minivan for an hour. I got caught up in the movie your kids were watching and wanted to see how it ends.
So…for no good reason a photoshop of a Bison and Sweetums, and probably something that will never be done again.
Anytime I’m using a stall in a public restroom and someone knocks on the door, I always say, “Did you bring the lube?” As loud as possible.
People who jump right out of bed at 5 AM and turn on every light in the house, who hurt you?