hate it when I go “whatever, this is the next persons problem” and the next person is me.
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His tongue explored the hole, probing deeper and deeper until she just couldn’t take it any more.
‘Would you just eat your donut already?!?’
Curiosity should start overthrowing the local government and drilling for oil any minute now.
“Yellow leaves are a sign of not enough water.” Oh! Gary watered the plant. “Yellow leaves are also a sign of too much water.” Oh, ffs.
One day I’m probably going to be too lazy to breathe and just die.
Stranger: so what do you do?
Me: I’m in seminary
S: seminary huh? so you can’t get married?
M: nah, I can’t get married bc of my personality
[Screams into a dark wishing well]
“I want my coins back!”
Is the Paleo diet the one where you only eat dinosaurs?
Hold me like a guy holds a fish in his tinder pics, baby
Conveniently, the sound from their early Saturday morning lawn mowers covers the noise of my sniper rifle.
Wife: Do you think something is wrong with our toddler?
Me: Yeah but to be fair I think something is wrong with EVERY toddler.
Took my 8 year old to the Grand Canyon and people asked why I didn’t bring my toddler.
If you know my toddler, and you’ve been to the Grand Canyon you will have your answer.
As you can tell from my outfit, I am not a nudist.
[first date]
HER: ask me anything..
ME: are you paying for dinner?
If someone says they like something, responding with “You would” is a highly efficient put-down. In just two words, you’ve implied that a) the thing they like sucks, and b) they have predictably bad taste. Work smarter, not harder.
#AsAKidIHated getting my temperature taken 🤣😬🤬
They say that exercise may help you live longer. Guess the grim reaper doesn’t want to make that much of an effort to catch up with you when you’re walking.
Went to a parade.
For an hour, bored people on floats waved.
For an hour, My 2-year-old waved back.
It was the greatest day of her life.
You bring an airhorn *one time* and suddenly you’re banned from bar trivia
A haunted house but it’s just rooms full of empty candy wrappers because I forgot to hide the candy.
Catwoman pushing Batman off a ledge
*Rap battle*
Me: *lips on mic* PLEASE STOP DROPPING THE MIC. IT WAS A BIRTHDAY PRESENT FROM MY MOM.
No good deed goes unposted on social media.
When I was much younger, my father giving me a sip of some Budweiser beer hoping to somehow sway me from drinking beer. All it did was teach me what beers to avoid.
That hospital class on parenting I took didn’t include enough wrestling tips.
Police: We’d like u to come with us to answer some questions about ur husband’s disappearance.
Mrs. Potato Head eating french fries: why?
I told my husband not to get me anything for our anniversary. You don’t think he won’t get me anything, do you?
My job demands an awful lot of responsibility for someone who still hopes he wakes up with superpowers one day.
Him: Your profile said you were Catholic.
Her: *apartment filled with cats* Maybe you read it too fast.
CARPET SALESMAN: [sighing, handing me another sample] What about this one for your bedroom?
ME: Hmmm no that one is also far too small
On your first day as a new parent, walk up to your baby and cry louder than it to assert your dominance.