thanksgiving is canceled? you mean I have to wait until next year for my family to get together and roast me mercilessly?
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Good Cop: step away from the ledge
Cat Cop [pushes person off] oops
Pediatrician: How much water does she drink?
Me: You mean like water water or bath water?
I love restaurants that have signs like “Since 1916”. It’s a great way to know the place you’re eating at was probably super racist.
doctor: you have no heart
me: okay wow that’s rude
doctor: no you literally have no heart how are you even alive
demon living inside me: *to me* don’t
me: there’s a demon living inside me
demon: ugh
[psych ward]
me: this is nice they have jell-o
demon: ooo is it cherry
me: my cup runneth over…
sperm bank receptionist: please take that off the counter.
[museum]
Wheres the dinosaur bone exhibit?
“through that door”
Thank you very ruff!
“What’d you say?”
*2 dogs fall out of trench coat & run*
If an Orange tries to sell you drugs, don’t buy them. Chances are you’ve already done enough drugs.
A REAL CONVERSATION I HEARD BETWEEN TWO GROWN MEN AT TIRES PLUS:
Man #1: *getting ready to pay* Is it a swipey swipe
Man #2: No it’s a chippy chip
I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.
[getting interrogated]
good cop: we just want to understand what happenedbad cop: SPILL IT, PUNK
passive aggressive cop: seems like you could help us pretty easily but whatever, you do you, it’s what you do best
[first day in prison]
Me: (to the biggest guy) You know what? You’re busy. I can come back.
All bottle caps are twist-offs if you have a prosthetic robot hand
Get your kids Christmas pajamas so they’ll have something comfortable to fight in.
remember if you want to send me flowers today my favorite kind are mushroom pizza
I thought attending Zoom meetings from home was the worst. Then I went back to the office and experienced being around other people who were in Zoom meetings.
My son said it was the best babysitter ever but the look on her face when we returned told a much different story.
The only reason to engage with a neighbor is if either of you is on fire.
I find it funny when an actor starts off a movie doing an accent and then it mysteriously disappears like their paycheck just cleared
My special skill is making detailed shopping lists and leaving them at home when I go to the store.
We’re out of duct tape, craft glue, and frozen orange juice because I made a sandwich while I was drunk last night.
When people name their town Plainview, at least they’re honest enough to admit it’s not much to look at.
You’d be surprised at all the discounts you get when you come in swinging a sword!
Maybe if y’all stopped complaining about Mondays and speaking the negativity into existence, your Mondays wouldn’t be so bad
Dear movies,
We’ll never be upset to the point of throwing expensive jewelry at the bottom of the ocean. Never.Sincerely,
Women
The only I would ever pledge allegiance to is peanut butter.
When we were kids our “get home” text was a streetlight.
Jesus: I HAVE RETURNED
[wife & I arguing about who used the last paper towel or some other shit]
Jesus: OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
5 missed calls from my mom. Frantically called her back, expecting tragedy; nope, wallets are on sale at Kohl’s.
When your wife asks you to dig
a hole for her shrub-She’ll feel threatened if you make
it large enough to hold a body.I know this now.