thought we’d see more kids named goku by now
You Might Also Like
When I was younger I was convinced by the time I was this age I’d need a lawyer on retainer, so I’m not sure if I’m winning or sucking at adulting.
Instructions for frozen chicken pot pie:
1. Preheat oven to 400
2. Cook on baking sheet for 16 days
3. Let stand 5 minutes before serving
[bank]
Robber: EVERYONE GET DOWN!
Me: [crying] my wife left & my kids think I’m a joke
Robber: No I mean-
Robber2: Wait! Let him finish
New bird feeders are only attracting low quality dirt birds. How do I get eagles and swans and shit? Two out of five stars.
I used to think paramedics were ghost doctors.
Mornin
Introverts need extroverts to push them out of their comfort zones, and extroverts need introverts to post bail.
Exercise gives you energy but you need energy to exercise. Sounds like a pyramid scheme to me
Hitmen probably get so annoyed when you spot the red laser dot and try to catch it like a cat.
kids are so chill, they never force you to eat vegetables, like their adult counterparts
Her: Have you sold anything since you became a writer?
Me *stares around my empty house* everything
BILLY CORGAN: the world is a vampire
ME: wouldn’t it explode into flames as soon as the sun hit it then?
BILLY: shut up *runs off crying*
“Why am I not asleep?” he thought, while shining a beam of pure information directly into his eyes from eight inches away.
If I see another Laura on Twitter, I’m going to follow that person.
I’m not saying I’m creating an army of Lauras, but I’m also not *not* saying that.
The hardest part of having multiple kids is explaining why only your first child has a baby book.
The performance I give pretending to have never tried trail mix to get an extra sample at Costco is Oscar-worthy
If you want to intimidate anyone with your screaming and honking, you may need to rethink those reindeer antlers on your car.
Capricorn is just regular corn wearing cute little short pants.
Wife is angry because “somebody” dripped grape jelly onto the dog’s head.
It feels very accusatory.
Roadkill is just a goth zoo
The moment my toddler figured out how to open a door was a lot like the raptor kitchen scene in Jurassic Park.
How do dragons blow out candles?
Things I never thought I would say: “well if you unpacked your stuff you’d know where your elf ears were”.
Parenting is fun lol
RESUME HACK: Want to avoid the unpleasantries of listing your criminal record? Turn that weakness into a strength with “I’m a person of strong convictions.”
Let’s go to bed and do naughty things.
Fast forward to: jumping on the bed wearing our shoes and giggling uncontrollably.
*listening to music at the beach*
6yo: Dad, can you play Baby Shark?
Me: No, I don’t have that song I can’t play it.
6yo: You can play it you just don’t want to hear it so you’re lying.
Me: That is correct, yes.
You say “aargh” and my reply is definitely “Aargh indeed.”
Kid: MOM WHERE ARE YOU
M: upstairs
K: WHERE?
M: upstairs
K: UPSTAIRS?
M: yes
K: UPSTAIRS OF THIS HOUSE?
M: what the? yes
K: ARE YOU UPSTAIRS
😂😂
[Date rolls over in bed & gasps in horror]
Me: [In nothing, with pantyhose over my head] Did you know the average person swallows 8 spiders a year in their sleep?