I don’t know who needs to hear this, but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them.
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I’m not a regular Mom.
I’m a “YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR VIDEO GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!” Mom.
You guys would not believe the roller coaster of emotions I’ve been through
Sorry I marked myself as safe on Facebook after your PowerPoint presentation.
My wife’s celebrity “free pass” is Paul Rudd, and mine is my wife because yah right like I’m gonna walk into *that* propeller blade.
Neil Patrick Harris couldn’t host a tapeworm without a musical number. #Emmys
Sensei: you have learned much, my child
Nonsensei: flamingos are extremely inconsiderate
me: ever been sued for enamel cruelty?
dentist: how are you talking out your nose
I hate when I think there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle.
First date idea: we list fictional characters that we would both punch in the face
I’ve got to go guys. Yesterday I bought a new shampoo that’s supposed to change my life.
Both my kids start crying the second they wake up. They must get that from me.
screw you
My daughter came downstairs and gave me the last bite of her favorite candy. She’d learned to share, and I was proud.
Then her brother came downstairs asking who ate all of his candy. “WE did!” my daughter declared. She’d learned to share blame, and I was even prouder.
You can just tell people you’re writing a novel even if you’re not. There will not be follow up questions.
Who is that walking up my driveway?!
Anxiety in 3…2…1…
[knock, knock]
*sigh*
“WAIT A SECOND!” *mumbles* “I need to find pants.”
How can I say no to this ?
We went to Sam’s today to stock up on essentials. When the cashier said, “That’ll be $301.42.” My son whispered, “Jesus, Mary, and Joseph.”
And that’s when I knew all that Catholic school was paying off.
Whenever I’m about to give a speech in front of an audience, I imagine myself naked.
Wait, what
You people who pull back the shower curtain checking for psycopathic murderers … if you find one, what’s your plan?
Saw one of the most deranged Facebook ads of my life yesterday
Most genies won’t tell you in advance, but sour cream is a separate wish from nachos.
I use my imagination to solve problems.
And by imagination, I mean booze.
Him: Congrats on the new baby. Boy or girl?
Me: Girl.
H: And what did you name her?
M: Well we were both huge fans of Elvis Costello so we named her after his best-known song.
H: Oh! Alison? Or Veronica?
M: What? No. Her name is “Watching the Detectives.”
If you like piña coladas,
Getting caught in the rain,
If you’re not into health food,
If you’re into champagne,
You’re probably an alcoholic
No one ever prepares you for the moment you find out the song you really like is Justin Bieber.
Absence does not make the heart grow fonder.
Unless you’re talking about Oreos.
Her: I read on Facebook…
Me: I’m going to stop you there.
I only put one eye on my snowman. That way, if it ever comes to life, the lack of depth perception will give me a tactical advantage.
9yo: Mom, what did you do before you had kids?
Me: Slept in.