I pull my pants and underwear down to my ankles when I pee at a urinal and when I drink at a water fountain
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I can already feel that the day is going to seize me instead of the other way around
[pitching my invention of liquid chicken nuggets]
CEO: so you just drink them?
ME: *pulls a needle and syringe out of my briefcase* think bigger
You don’t need to put “narcissist” in your bio.
This is twitter, that shit goes without saying.
[in living room]
Daughter: This show SUCKS
Son: YOU suck
Wife: Ok, that’s ENOUGH
Me: WHERE IS THE TV REMOTE
Realtor: *clears throat*
Me: Feels like home…we’ll take it
16 yo me: *about to take math final* You got this.
26 yo me: *about to run a marathon* You got this.
36 yo me: *about to start a movie after 8pm* You got this.
I found some pot in my son’s room. Has anyone noticed how odd the word s-p-a-t-u-l-a sounds when you keep saying it over and over?
Me: Finally, time to sleep!
Brain: ahem
Me: oh God please no
Brain: I was thinking we could sing that catchy commercial jingle. 87 times.
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
Me: I have Schrödinger like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
Me: Yes and No.
The chickens in my neighbor’s coop collectively scuttle away from me. They know. They know what I’ve done.
like a moth to a flame or a human to a refrigerator light bulb.
I went into a bookshop earlier carrying a book. I seem to have put my book down to browse other books and left with no books. Have called the bookshop but they’re struggling to find my lost book amongst all the books. This is the stupidest thing I have ever done
“I’ve got a couple of ideas I wanna run by you this afternoon,” my coworker threatened
broke secret sevrice guy turns his pocket inside out and strangles an assassin with it. opens wallet and unleashes a torrent of moths at him
Wow…Looks like I’ve added some muscle mass.
~me everytime the scale tells me
I’m getting fatter.
My favourite way to cut carbs is with a knife.
Wife: I’m glad you’re watching TLC and looking to improve yourself. So who are your new friends?
Husband: These would be your Sister Wives
How the hell did we win World War II? Every soldier I’ve seen who fought in it is old as shit.
Me as a lawyer: your honor, stfu cause you wasn’t even there
Whole Foods just notified me that I’ve won a “Lifetime Supply of Fresh Kale” which in my case is one kale.
The contents of my son’s last diaper was so upsetting to both of us we shared a cigarette after I changed it.
*slides $5 to the funeral director*
Maybe you can get me the widow’s phone number?
Dorothy: Follow the Yellow Brick Road.
Yellow Brick Road: I have a boyfriend.
Tonight our 4 year old ate his dinner in a record time of 4 hours 27 minutes
[Assembling scratching post to save the new sofa]
My cat: lol no
It’s 11:48 PM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed, there’s a creepy rustle, as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a granola bar.
[being chased by a murderer]
Me: *stops running, bends down* find a penny pick it up all day long you’ll have good luck!
Murderer: *stabs me*
batman: i caught the penguin
judge: bail is set for $0
batman: isn’t he a flight risk?
judge:
batman: oh right
I believe it is important to be an organ donor, which is why I am willing to donate my second chin to anyone missing a chin.
Like who are those little paper umbrellas trying to protect