Me, surprised: Why are you in a hurry to get to school?
7yo, matter-of-fact: My enemies are waiting
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GF: “You’re cute when you’re drunk”
Me: “You’re cute when I’m drunk too”
If I ever meet you and you don’t look anything like your avi,you’re buying drinks for me until you do
Screw this, I’m going in search of buried treasure. I’m outta here. *stubs toe on coffee table*
How I look taking the 2000th photo of my dog sleeping
Me: *sitting naked on the exam table*
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s my desk.
Me: What?
Doctor: Are you ready for your hearing test?
“Put that down, Alan! I told you those are for company.”
Stan was confident he was no longer able to make quick getaways because the holes were now smaller.
If my next of kin takes a nap..
Can i call him Napkin?
[to an inflatable tube man waving outside a car dealership]
i feel like you’re overreacting. these are moderate savings at best
PHYSICIST: There are infinite universes, more than you can imagine
ME: That means there exists a universe in which all my tweets are funny
PHYSICIST: Not that many
If I ever have an out of body experience, when it’s over I’m gonna be like “Umm, do I have to go back to my original body? I kinda like that younger one with better hair over there.”
Stopped drinking coffee 3 days ago, and feel less and less addicted to caffeine with every new cup of my own pee.
A hexagon is what Mario says when he frees himself from a curse
Aliens? Wake me up when something important happens, like a new pasta shape
Hear toddler having meltdown at Target
Me: Parents should control their kids!
Cashier: Isn’t she yours?
Me:
C: I saw her come in with you.
Why are people scared of flying?! The Earth is a giant spaceship with no pilots. That’s way scarier.
Wish I could focus on anything with even half the intensity of my dog watching me eat yogurt.
Can’t believe Flo Rida says “so many girls in here, where do I begin” and “where them girls at” in the same song. They are right in here. So many of them.
Apparently I’m not giving my toddler enough food because she’s trying to eat our fridge magnets
my tamagotchi never lived more than 24 hours at a time sure i’ll hold your baby.
“I heard you were responsible for like 30 million deaths. That’s crazy.” Jimmy Fallon interviewing Stalin
anyone know what happened at the 2nd noel?
“I should probably start filling this thing out.”
-I say about my son’s baby memory book on his wedding day.
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* uh oh
WIFE (points at my google search for “cry orbs with layers”): how the hell do you forget the word “onion”
Neil Patrick Harris couldn’t host a tapeworm without a musical number. #Emmys
I tried to kill a bug with febreeze but it didn’t work and now the room smells like lilac and fear.
My house looks pristine, unless you have a can of luminol and a black light.
I made the mistake of telling my son I found a hair on my chin and now he keeps calling me Pops
Marriage Tip: Always be dumber than your spouse at math so you don’t have to help your kid with his math homework.
my son the little archaeologist informed me that he could tell a remote control he found was ancient because it had a button for PS3