Good morning you can pee in a cup anytime, not just at the doctors office
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“I wasn’t born yesterday.”
-hilarious talking baby
I can’t remember a time in my life when an update for Acrobat Reader wasn’t available.
So can we start calling them Traylor now?
“Fine mom! If you’re not going to let me have cookies, I’m gonna go in my room!!”
{inaudible whisper}
no. please don’t go.
The car’s navigation system warned me of a pothole and then asked if it was still there. Not only is it still there, it has friends.
Will not visit my brother because he has an air mattress and I refuse to sleep without my Chinese throwing stars
This is Weller. He picked this flower for you. He also may have eaten a few of them. Not this one though. This one was special. 12/10 we are honored Weller
Who called them cat allergies and not meowlergies
Just used the holiday card with your kid’s face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.
H: I think we should see other people.
Me: Do I have to? I don’t even really want to see you.
You know where I’d like to go?
Missing
[Arriving late to work]
Boss: *looks at watch* fourth day this week
Me: also known as Thursday, Jerry
Why are ghosts always just moaning? Did your manners die too? Use your words!
me: i’ll have a steak
waiter: sir this is a vegan restaurant
me: oh
waiter:
me: ok i’ll have a vegan
JOB INTERVIEWER: Talk about a time when a big project of yours didn’t work out as you hoped
ME: Well I got two English degrees
I tell all my ex girlfriends I just want them to be happy (happy was a golden retriever I saw get hit by a train in 1997)
Busting out of a grave like a zombie but I just have to pee real bad.
I’m sorry I gotta go. I’m gonna be late for my wife’s post grocery shopping orientation where we cover “snacks and treats that are meant for the kids.”
They’ve let the kids out of school in advance of the bad weather so it’s our duty as adults to nod & greet one another in town with “Storm’s comin.”
Writing “Omg you guys are still friends after what she said about you???” on every group photo of girls I see on Instagram
I’m sorry I said your baby looks like a hairless hamster. But in my defense, you shouldn’t have had a hairless hamster for a baby.
[on the phone with wife]
Honey, who do you like better, Hulk Hogan or Jafar from Aladdin?
“Tell me why.”
[winks at tattoo artist] No reason.
When a man gets married he has a moral obligation to scare his wife when he sneezes.
[watching a sex scene with my parents] You guys ever try that?
Conversations with my pets:
Me: Please could you
Dog: OF COURSE!
Me: I haven’t said what it
Dog: I LOVE YOU!Me: Please could you
Cat: No.
cabbage patches are bullshit
i gave up cabbage easily without them
My Alexa overheard my Roombas talking and, long story short, I now have 114 Roombas in my living room circling their god, Alexa.
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
one time on mushrooms i decided i should be living off nuts & seeds like a little squirrel, so I went to Whole Foods and blew my whole paycheck on nuts & seeds. then all week I had no money and DID have to live off nuts & seeds, and let me tell you I WAS SO WRONG. it sucked
imagine being Billy Zane in Titanic you think you’re going on a nice little romantic trip, 5 minutes later your gf is sleeping with someone else, the boat’s sinking and you’re racing about the place with a gun thinking why is this my life now