society: buy a sheet for your mattress
me: ok makes sense
society: then a sheet for that sheet
me:
society: then a blanket for that sheet
me: i think-
society: and a blanket for the blanket
me: you done?
society: oh and 30 pillows
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This guy walked up to me and said he knew me from somewhere but couldn’t place where. I asked if he’d ever worked in a liquor store and guess what you guys?
When you want your ball, but you don’t want to get wet
🎾💧💦
Crazy that in 2017 auto-flush toilets still can’t distinguish between someone who’s peeing and someone crouching down to get a sip of water.
Me: I’m smart!
Also me: That is the weirdest looking otter I’ve ever seen!
Hubs: That’s because it’s a seal
Get you a man who isn’t really into movies: He’ll never know that sweet love note you wrote him is really just a series of lines from Field of Dreams.
Mom u can stop cutting the crust off my bread now im in a gang
My husband asked if I had a new year’s resolution and I told him it was to not yell at the kids and then we both fell about laughing
Mugger: Give me your money
Me: Get ready to see some karate!
Mugger: Oh yeah?
Me: I have tournament tickets in my man bag
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
#HatDadJoke
Patience is what parents have when there are witnesses.
Alcohol is photoshop for real life.
Ok but how old is your child in minutes?
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
Invention of the hug:
“You look sad. Let me choke your whole body”
Her: Was your child gifted?
Me: No, we had him naturally
fake deep people on this website will post like “do not spend time explaining yourself to people who are committed to misunderstanding you” because they got in trouble for being on their cell phone at work
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
The subtext of Moby Dick, The Rime of the Ancient Mariner, and most of Conrad is that you should never make eye contact with a retired sailor because he’s just waiting to tell you some interminable story about his time at sea.
“Is that on Netflix?” I ask, with no intention of ever watching it
“Children should eat a variety of colors in their diet!”
My children’s dinner:
“That’s me in a nutshell.”
A peanut’s photo album.
*Breaks glass to steal Mona Lisa*
You crazy? Security will hear us
Security: HEY, WHAT’S GOING ON UP THERE?
NOTHING
Security: ALRIGHT
I got bills
They’re multiplying
[Hospital front desk]
“Yeah my wife is here for weight loss surg-”
*wife hits me*
“Baby delivery, I mean she’s here to deliver a baby”
“Don’t put your brother in the fridge” is something I never thought I’d say, yet here I am.
Interviewer: “Do you consider yourself a punctual person?”
Me: “I was born three months premature.”
ME: I’m always afraid the optometrist is actually showing me 2 identical lenses and then afterwards the whole office makes fun of me for thinking one was better or worse.
THERAPIST: Yeah I don’t know what to do with that.