the reason there are no time machines arriving from the future is that in the year 2040, the contract to make them goes to Boeing
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She said she liked animals but apparently all the fruit flies around my apartment was a “turn off”
Sex so good you forget you’re married…to each other.
One time we sold our house and when we were moving my husband commented how the blinds never collected dust. “Let’s try to buy those same blinds!”
Me, the invisible duster: ok
How’s school, Hannah?
“Really tough, dad.”
They’re calling you Hannah Banana, aren’t they?
“No-”
WHY THE HELL NOT
At his funeral. I lay my hand on your shoulder. I apply pressure, gently, in an attempt to move you from in front of the snack table.
I have snuck past my husband’s work video meetings enough times to know I would make a terrible ninja.
If “surf and turf” didn’t rhyme, no restaurant would have the courage to let you order a steak and a lobster together as if it were one meal.
If I see a dog in a hot car, I’m always troubled.
Why don’t I have a hot car like that?
How much does that dog make per year?
sober: damn im too lazy to make any food tonight
after two beers: it’s time to cook all the spaghetti in my kitchen
If the old Superman cartoon had been made today, the first guy who thought the thing up in the sky was a bird would have doubled down on his mistake.
“Oh sure, the mainstream media will tell you that Superman isn’t a bird, but I’ve done my own research…”
His kids disappoint him
He’s pissed off at life
He screams at the news
He yells at his wife
He once punched a Girl Scout
Who looked at him wrong
He tripped an old woman
For singing a song
Just stay out of his way
Or risk a black eye
He’s
Me: Stop fighting this minute!! ONE…
Kids: *fighting*
Me: TWO…
Kids: *still fighting*
Me (sweating): TWO AND A HALF
Kids: *brawling at this point*
Me: ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ *texting* mom I need help what happens if you get to three
I gave my Yorkie a haircut today. Now I know how lion wrestlers feel.
Congratulations to the people who never took their Christmas decorations down you’re almost there
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
So hot these last few days I’ve consumed 1,473,968 gallons of water and only peed 3 times
me: they recommend to relieve stress to walk away from your desk to take a walk
boss: ok but you’ve been gone for 4 days
We installed those slam-proof bumpers on all of our doors. My kids’ fingers are safe, but I have no way of knowing when my wife is mad at me.
How a career in technical writing ruined me as a letter writer
If you wanna make someone cry just show them the earliest year they can retire
One of the Covid symptoms is loss of taste so how do La Croix drinkers even know?
Don’t let the British accent fool you. I’m not saying anything smart
Daffodil totally sounds like an insult, you blooming daffodil
A librarian with a sense of humour…
#Oscars
Please don’t tell me how bad your life was growing up, we had to manually roll up our cars windows
I’m won’t try to steal your man but I might try to steal your sandwich
Why are people still calling my phone I thought we covered this at orientation…
I’m a giver.
*gives you a hard time*
I’m baking and got molasses on my hand. This is it. I’ll be stuck to something for good in 5 mins. This is how I will die.
Me: Things are going well. *knocks on wood*
5-year-old: Who’s there?
Me: It’s not a knock knock joke.
5: It’s not a knock knock joke who?