Her: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to learn Japanese and crochet*
Me: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to perfect my cereal to milk ratio*
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While at Starbucks today I overheard a 20-something telling friends how she “only eats farm-to-table,” and has “never felt better.”
Please let the record state she was drinking a Frappuccino as she shared her secret to good health.
Anyone know where Frappuccinos are farmed?
I learned all my flirting from lizards so I just do a bunch of really fast pushups when I see a cute lizard.
Once broke up with a girl cuz I didn’t like the way she agreed with me
I have decided to boycott the Plague due to its poor customer service.
Look, you can tell me what to do in an emergency and that’s fine, but I’m going to do what I do best, and that is panic.
I accidentally caught my nuts in a barbed wire fence and now I’m the frontman of a Maroon 5 cover band.
GENIE: you have one wish. choose wisely
ME: i wish i was only 14 inches tall so that when i hold a knife it looks like i’m wielding a huge ass sword
GENIE: your wish is granted. why didn’t you just wish for a sword though
ME: oh yeah damn
*brings pen to sword fight*
Me: ‘This ending kinda writes itself.’
She gets stoked after reading:
“Big strapping boxer” on dating siteBut soon discovers he’s a 475 lb.
guy working in shipping at Amazon.
Don’t you wish it was as easy to adjust the brightness level on people as it is on your phone?
I just want to be wealthy enough to not have my windshield wipers sound like a congregation of dying frogs.
“god I love doggy style” I say excitedly as I put a top hat and bow tie on my golden lab
You can pretend you’re a ghost at pottery barn, there’s no laws against that
Kids are supposed to dress like their future career at my daughter’s school today and my husband told her to wear a nice shirt with pajama pants and say she was a remote worker on a video call.
Take a day off. Pamper yourself. Visit a spa. Pour melted wax on ur body. Rip the hair out by the roots. Inject poison into ur face. Relax.
Anime-only: Man, I can’t wait to see more of my fav character!
Manga-reader: Oh man, THAT character, oh buddy oh pal oh buddy. I ain’t gonna say WHAT happens to them, but uh, hehehe, prepare to CRY. I MUST REITERATE, I ain’t spoiling anything, BUT, that character? Hooo boy
The wifi going down on me is the most action I’m going to get tonight.
when my parents were divorced they had a ski race to see who kept custody of us. things worked different in the 80s
The day started well when I picked up my car keys to turn on the television.
Hello, my name is Pierre.
The inventor of the wooden spoon: this will change cooking forever
Italian Mothers: I can’t wait to hit my kids with this
He died doing what he did best, trying to get a croc to wear a Croc.
Still thinking about a student I had years ago who asked if a paper was due at 4pm or 4am
I hope in my next life I come back as a McChicken so men will look at me lovingly and also settle for me out of desperation
14: I don’t have a signal.
Me: You kids! When I was your age, we had to stand by the phone, turn this dial-
14: It’s back.
Me: Good talk.
Hit my coworker with “you’re a lucky man” after I saw a picture of his wife just to let him know that I want to sleep with her
1. Pick jeans to wear
2. Pull them up to thighs
3. Pants dance for 3 minutes
4. Take pants off
5. Put sweatpants on
6. Cry, eat pumpkin pie
Not to brag, but a top modeling agency just offered me a job as a “before” model.
Overheard at work: “that is music to my ears”. Where else would the music go smartypants?
Get out, RUN! That DM was coming from INSIDE THE HOUSE