I’ve never wanted to know the answer to anything bad enough to ask a question at the end of a meeting that’s running 30 minutes over time.
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A pie where there isn’t pastry on the bottom isn’t a pie. It’s soup with a hat.
I’m so sick of everyone asking if I *really* hate my kids. They’re just jokes, people. Annoying, inconvenient jokes who are ruining my life.
Sometimes, when I need a really good night’s sleep, I call my burrito guy to come over and tuck me in
Me: Hello?
Satan: I’d like to make a return
Me: ALL SALES ARE FINAL
My husband is outside talking to people. Tonight, he will be outside sleeping.
Post-it Note stuck to desk: Stop wasting Post-it Notes!
Congratulations to our winner, Todd, who correctly guessed there were “hella jellybeans” in the jar.
*replies to everyone’s subtweets
“I love you too baby”
*7 yr old talks about red dwarfs and neutron stars for 40 minutes straight*
My mom: Wow, that’s amazing. So are you going to be an astronaut when you grow up?
7, incredulously: No, I’m going to be a ninja.
If I could ask God for one thing, it would probably be power equal to or greater than his own.
*breaks glass*
*pulls fire alarm*
[outside]
Great, now that you’re all here, I want to correct this impression in the office that I’m weird.
British people never go down stairs they just jump out of a window and open an umbrella like Mary Poppins
I don’t wanna party like it’s 1999, I want to pay my bills like it’s 1999
Guy cut me off & I shouted, “you are unable to pleasure your wife. OR HUSBAND.” Cause he needs to know I’m angry, yet progressive.
As a kid my mom laughed at me because I was always worrying about being shot with a crossbow while on the toilet. Well who’s laughing now?
When I said I wanted to take it slow, I meant your life.
[LA Earthquake]
Me: Wow, do you feel tha-
Husband: *pushes me out of the way and runs down the street screaming* Every man for himself!
Waiting in the coffee drive-thru line impatiently watching the driver in front of me chatting with the barista and my 12 y/o sighs and says, “C’mon, lady, she’s not your therapist, move along.” Never get between a middle school girl and her Frappuccino.
The only thing more satisfying than doing big yard projects yourself is paying someone to do it while you occasionally watch out the window.
I knew I had succeeded as a life coach when they called me needing to be bailed out of jail.
processed food was literally designed for you to eat. organic is just some crap they found on the ground somewhere
Pretending to WFH while my mom is around is way worse than actually working.
She’s on to me. I can feel her breath behind my neck…
Last Christmas I requested the electric chair for my mother-in-law and Santa brought her a motorised recliner. FML!
I don’t understand how people use plastic wrap successfully.
Is your GPS supposed to sigh before it says “Recalculating”?
Some children show signs of greatness at an early age, I just found my kids playing hide and seek in the bathtub.
“We’ve got company.” Unwelcome news in a car chase. Scarcely better on your front porch.
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
[reading dinosaur book]
8YR OLD: that’s a pterodactyl
ME: actually sweetie, it’s a pteranodon…pterodactyl is a pterosaur genus
8: how did you ever get laid?
Grapefruit – for when you want your food to taste like getting beaten up