Y’all, I’m a teletherapist and my dog just popped up in session looking all professional and shit
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Some stranger replied to a tweet and asked me to date him, so I’m wondering what kind of weirdo does that and what should I wear.
No, no, no, you don’t have to engage in a long explanation of why you’re single. We’ve spent five minutes together, I think I’ve got it.
As suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
Who called it an allergist and not an antisneeziologist?
teacher: what did you do over summer vacation?
susie who was possessed by a demon in early july: *hanging upside down from the ceiling* mostly vomited swarms of hell bees at my mom in the hamptons
teacher: wow the hamptons? must be nice
[praying mantis first date]
Female: You seem to have a good head on your shoulders.
Male: Yeah well, you know, saving it for marriage.
People who tuck their shirts into sweatpants…are you okay?
As often as I lose lighters and sunglasses, it’s a good thing I never had kids.
Or did I?
911: what room is the body in
me: I wanna say living room… but that feels weird
Hope to get one dose of Pfizer and one dose of Moderna and just let them fight it out in my body
Me: is the fish fishy?
Waiter: it’s a mild fish.
Me: so it’s mildly fishy?
Waiter, to my husband: is she-
Husband: Yes, she’s always like this.
Imagine your card declining at a bar and they squeeze all the alcohol out of you like a lemon
Why would my wife ask if I was wearing this shirt when it’s already on? Stop talking in secret code.
surgeon 1: open mike night tonight
surgeon 2: hope you don’t bomb like last time
surgeon 1: haha
surgeon 2: haha
Mike: what
i want the met gala theme to be “work from home” and celebrities just wear designer sweatpants and shirts with holes in them
the only moral choice in d&d is to play a druid and wildshape into a giant goat every day, travelling the towns with your rich goat milk like a medieval ice cream truck
Once upon a time,
You weren’t listening to the story mommy was reading to you so everyone in the book dies. The end.
My 12 year old’s response to solicitors calling her is to call them back and act like she’s trying to sell them whatever they were trying to sell to her
I just opened a Valentine’s Day card that was filled with heart confetti. I don’t remember the last time I was this angry.
911: what’s your emergency
me: my neighbors gone crazy, he’s screaming about superman and dragging his wife around by the hand.
911: what’s his location?
me: he’s 3 doors down
Best way to ensure social distancing is to carry a clipboard everywhere. You’re welcome.
How many wicks would John Wick wick if John Wick could wick wicks?
Dropped mother-in-law at airport.
Her flight isn’t until Tuesday, but with security and all, best to play it safe.
Your french fries are just my french fries on the wrong plate.
When someone backs into your dad’s car in the same spot you nailed it with a basketball earlier, and now you don’t have to tell him about the the basketball, that’s a coincidents
GUY: Your logic is flawed. According to experts-
ME: Excuse me, but I practiced this argument in my head & you’re saying the wrong things
Me: *doesn’t laugh at friend’s story*
Friend: I guess you had to be there.
Me: *builds time machine, goes there* Nope, still not funny.
If a woman asks you to guess her age, always subtract 10 years from your estimate. IMPORTANT: Do NOT do this if she’s in her early twenties.
[God creating cheesecake]
GOD: [stuffing his face] oh man this is so good
ANGEL: shouldn’t u share it?
GOD: [creates lactose intolerance]