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The clowns I hire always seem surprised to find I’m the only party guest.
Murderman V. Another Murderman: Dawn of Murdering
#BatmanvSuperman
Just remember, we are all just 1 small prescription away from riding a unicorn.
My coworker Pete got fired and apparently I didn’t lighten the mood by calling him Obsol-Pete.
I hate straight weddings because we all have to form a circle and pretend a 4 year old is a better dancer than me.
I did not take a DNA test…
Turns out I’m am 100% not caring what I am…
Why do people say I’m washing my hands ?
Hands literally wash each other without any help 🤔🧐
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
I’m impressed by girls who paint their eyebrows on. How do you pick one facial expression for the whole day? Like what if you find a penny?
[spider’s junk email folder]
-TURN YOUR WEBS INTO $$$$
-HOT SPIDERS ON YOUR CEILING WANT TO MEET YOU
-TRY THE ULTIMATE 8 LEG DIET TODAY
If I come home from work and my wife is gone, I always think the worst has happened. I forgot something she said we were doing that night.
Fifty shades of grey is my favourite movie about English weather.
Mugger: “Hand over your wallet and that ring you’re wearing.”
Me: “You can have my wallet but I’m going swimming and I need the inflatable to help me stay afloat.”
Watches my wife cut the 2 yr. olds apple juice with water …
*Hauntingly second guesses every drink she’s ever mixed for me now
I used to think I could control ducks with my mind but it turns out ducks & I just have very similar ideas about what stuff ducks should do
People who peel the entire banana before eating it are the same ones who take off all their clothes to go to the bathroom.
I’m white, but not cage free range eggs in my quinoa-kale quiche for my gluten, lactose, and peanut free Sunday brunch white.
Have you ever read a reply so stupid you had to click on the profile to see if the person looks as stupid?
“Follow your dreams!” – someone born into money
my neighbor: can you keep an eye out for our dog? he ran away
me: oh no, when’s the last time you saw him? did he leave a note
neighbor: early this morn- did you ask if he left a note?
[Describing the adjective thief to a sketch artist]
Sketch Artist: Can you describe what he looked like?
Me: Not anymore I can’t
If they stop texting back you need to assume they’ve died and move on. If you see them out just smile because you ain’t afraid of no ghost
the circle does fit the square if it’s a pizza.
On a packed bus googling “how to tell the person sitting next to you that you love them”
I don’t like coconut so I don’t eat coconut. I don’t follow coconut around criticizing its texture or taste or tweets or sense of humor.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *hands him a puppy and drives off*
[3 years later]
COP *walking his dog*: wait a second…
Me: I’m a mature adult
Also me:
My hand just touched toilet water. Now I’m on eBay looking for a second-hand hand.
Well, I made it up past 9pm, so yeah, you could say my Friday night is wild and crazy.
OK. Hear me out. We are acquiring way too many of these and you’re not good at keeping them dusted anyway. So, let’s just dump EVERYONE’S cremated remains into this big one and clear up some table space.