They make you fear empty nest syndrome as if you’ll never realize the joy in losing 5 loads of laundry.
You Might Also Like
My daughter told us that she learned the life cycle of a frog, and when asked to recite it, she said, “eggs, tadpole, frog, prince, ex-husband.”
*lil wayne begins typing lyrics into mocrosoft word*
*paperclip pops onto screen*
Do you mean “digger”?
[comes home from a day away]
Kids: Guess what we did today?!?
Me: Played monopoly, ate pizza, painted, cut paper, had ice cream.
Kids: How’d you know?!?
Me: *looking at everything out* Lucky guess
Unfortunate story layout on Apple News this morning.
Follow me for more recipes
The aliens only appear to people in the US because they’ve heard so much about its many hummus flavours
I hear you like horror movies
You should see me first thing in the morning when I forgot to take my makeup off
*winks forever*
If a swan broke my arm I’d keep it quiet. Embarrassing. “Help, I’m being beaten up by a big white lanky floating chicken.” Not cool.
I’m so glad my kids have a 3-day weekend because that means I get an extra day of listening to them yell at Fortnite.
[first day as a tampon designer]
Boss:
Me:
Boss: What kind of work did you do before?
Me: I made expandable dinosaur sponge toys.
I watched my wife listen to our youngest son describe how another boy was mean to him and saw her explain to him how to deal with it peaceably while plotting in her head a murderous rampage of the boy’s entire family.
My phone died at the gym and I had to do the elliptical with zero entertainment like the pioneers did in the olden days.
Next episode of Why are Customers So Annoying
Dear Impatient Customer,
If you call someone and get their voicemail, calling me to transfer you will not make them answer when I’m transferring you to the same number you just called 5 seconds ago.
What kind of vegetable does an Elephant eat?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Squash
One time, a dude messaged me to ask what I was wearing & I had just put in my mouthguard to go to bed… so I said “mouthguard” & he asked for pics. So I sent him a photo of my mouthguard & he blocked me.
[walking quickly past the old lady I just held the door open for] this doesn’t mean you can order before me
My german shepard doesn’t like dog food, so we have that in common.
Her: Hi hun.
Atilla: [under breath] I told you not to call me that in front of the men. It might stick.
Be your mom’s favorite by not having to make her count to three.
The news in a nutshell.
Mugger: “Hand over your card and give me your PIN number!”
Me: “My personal identification number number?”
*he stabs me*
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me, flexing: what do you think?
Wife: just get a small carton
[PetSmart]
*approaches checkout with bird seed*
“that all for you today?”
Yes. How long does it usually take?
“For what?”
For them to grow
Undercover cop at a beauty salon: I’ve been made, over
The neighbors with the baby moved out, and now the loudest crying heard throughout the entire apartment complex comes from me.
When you turn 50, they change the lightbulb in your fridge to that memory eraser from Men in Black
Friend: Don’t you recycle?
Me: I do what I can.
F: What about the seals?
M: Am I responsible for their recycling, too?!
Website: You can’t use your last 5 passwords
Me: Stop flexing that you have a better memory than I have.
You slid into my DM’s and now you mean to tell me you’re not gonna divorce your wife, uproot your life and leave your family FOR ME!? HOW DARE!
Someone ripped the 5th month out of my calendar.
I’m dismayed…