if speaking russian makes my b’s into v’s then soviet
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My autocorrect just changed “I’m off” to “I’m DTF” and changed a casual conversation with my boss into an H.R meeting.
you want me to drink water. the thing that killed jack in titanic
when u get caugt lying on ur resume but u still try to convince the interviewer that ur qualified for the job
Stop screaming at me like you’re the only one who realizes our kitchen is on fire. The arrogance.
I’ll be deep frying something later on, because Sunday is the lard’s day.
MAGICIAN: think of a card!
ME: ok.
MAGICIAN: is… this ur card?
[holds up card that says “UGH I HATE MAGIC SHOWS THIS IS CRAP”]
ME: holy crap
I’m convinced that thumb wars were created when two guys just about to dance with each other got caught
I’ve never had a problem stepping up to the plate.
We’re talking about food, right?
Interviewer: So you say you think you’d make a good addition here at our aquarium. Can you expand on that?
Puffer fish: Yes. Yes I can
He says I’m cute when I’m mad. Well he has no idea of how gorgeous I can be.
*gets lockjaw when putting on eyeliner*
My therapist thanked me for making her decision to retire early much easier.
So I’ve got that going for me.
My 13-year-old was quietly giggling as I opened my phone, and I realized he had changed the settings so the text is significantly bigger. Not sure if I’m more annoyed that he took a jab at me for being old, or that I can actually see a lot better now.
If I die before I wake, I pray the lord has ice cream cake.
Shakespeare: shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Me: sure
Shakespeare: okay. summer’s day > you
You know, you don’t have to buy a tiger to dispose of a body. Pigs will eat people too, bones and all.
[arrives at party]
ME: This was a good idea.
*30 seconds later*
MY WILL TO LIVE: I’m gonna go wait in the car.
If people ever criticize you for being too short, they are literally saying that the worst thing about you is that there isn’t more of you.
Never feel like you’re too small to make a difference. After all, a tiny raisin has the ability to RUIN EVERYTHING ITS BAKED IN.
[getting fired from NASA]
Is it because I kept saying “Technically we’re already in space?”
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
The next wave of scammers will have old people call you
“Help yourself!”
– people who don’t want to help you
[solar eclipse]
SUN: OMG everyone’s taking my picture today, they must love me! Do I look ok? Hope nobody photobombs me
MOON: Hold my beer
GEORGE SANTAYANA: those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it
HUMANITY: deal
Looking for someone willing to kill a man who has wronged me. Unfortunately I can’t pay but would be good exposure for an emerging murderer
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
I kinda feel like everyone shakes their head a little too much when they see me coming
I’m not alone. I have ants.
Me: Liar, liar, pants on fire! Nose as long as a telephone wire!
Daughter: A telephone WHAT?
Me: Wire.
Daughter: That doesn’t make sense.