Napkins used after eating hot wings and then put in your pocket should NEVER be used as toilet paper no matter how much you’ve had to drink.
You Might Also Like
I’m going to use colored chalk for your outline.
Husband: …
Being a “Hopeless Romantic” sounds kinda depressing. “Pull my chair out for me?” .. “I’d love to, but I’ve given up.”
Me: I changed your diapers, I cook our meals – I basically spend my days doing things to take care of you. Pretty sure I can pour fake tea correctly
My 4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: You’re spilling.
My New Year’s resolution is to stop making so many typos.
Wish me lick.
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“Hi. Long time listener, first time caller.”
“That’s really funny.”
“Thank you. Anyways, I’m being stabbed.”
*hangs out at graveyard*
I like older men.
batman: who do I see about this ticket?
cop: oh, I wrote it
batman: who tickets the batmobile!?
cop: you were illegally parked
batman: I was fighting crime!
cop: rules are rules
batman: I WAS DOING YOUR JOB!!!!
cop: did you see I wrote “I’m sorry” with a little heart?
One of the things that always makes me laugh about this place is how any time I say “I’m trying to use self-control” people always respond back with “No! Do it! Do iiiiiitttt!” *laughing hard*
[takes a deep drag on a cigarette & stares off into the distance] Sometimes a man needs to unplug everything and be alone with his thoughts… and a 3lb corned beef brisket. And a jar of deli mustard. And some rye bread. Maybe a dark beer, but the point is a man needs alone time.
Who needs clocks when my dog’s digestive system can nail time with pinpoint accuracy
dog: the humans have food all the way up on the counter, that’s illegal
*calls in the SWAT team*
cat, wearing sunglasses and tactical gear: I’ll take it from here boys
I would move hell over six inches for you
Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday.
Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.
I went to a fortune teller and he told me a lot of money was coming my way.
I walked out really excited, then I got hit by a Securicor van.
Goldfish crackers are the best snack for teaching kids it’s ok to eat your pets.
Finishing up my time machine. Bolting down the flux capacitor now. I’ll start small and go back a couple of seconds just to see if it works.
I will flirt with you but honestly neither of us will have any idea it’s happening
Pre-diction: Baby’s first words will be garbled.
Dropped a peanut butter cracker and no one came running so of course my first thought was that the dogs had been raptured.
yeh i’ll get up soon i just need to look at the internet first. yes the whole thing
*picking up coins off the dance floor*
I knew I should have emptied my fanny pack before twerking.
[First prison riot]
Me: *guarding my toilet wine*
So aliens build high-tech spacecraft & travel thousands of light years just to give random people colonoscopies?
Plot twist a clown family hired a normal guy for their kids birthday party
*wife offers me a sip of her water*
m: Am I gonna catch what you have?
w: No
m:
w:
m: Are you sur-
w: You’re not going to get my period!
Following Prince Phillip’s passing, Prince Charles inherits the title Duke Of Edinburgh. Basically, it all shifts up one. For instance, I’m now my next door neighbour, Pauline Cathcart.
Dear trick-or-treaters: Would it kill you to say “thank you” when I hand you a freshly made egg salad sandwich?
Just said “finger bang” instead of “finger guns” and this is why I shouldn’t ever be allowed to speak in public.
Do you know what happens after 8 tequila shots?
Me neither.
Him: Sometimes I worry about you.
Me: Yeah, I worry about me, too.