[Chopped episode]
“In your baskets is a box of spaghetti olives fried chicken mozzarella cheese tomatoes and a package of Oreos.”
Me *opening Oreos*
“Clock hasn’t started.”
Me: There’s cookies.
“Those are for your dish.”
Me *munching*
There’s cookies.
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Him at 1am: Wanna come over?
Me: Sure thing, sexy
-Cut to me crawling out of his TV like that girl in The Ring
Dominos just called to let me know my pizza’s on the way. They correctly assumed I’d need time to find my pants.
My face when someone is offended by something super offensive I said to them:
I’m not high maintenance at all. All I want from a partner is the understanding that I need to feel worshipped whilst also being mostly left alone.
I only came because I was told we would be playing Hungry Hungry Hippos.
Hey Canada…you can take your weather back.
Sorry isn’t going to cut it this time.
Just remember Mom, you can’t spell “disappointment” without “appointment” which reminds me I have to be at Hooters at 9 for my interview.
me: lol THAT’S your sword?
enemy: this blade can cut through steel
me: [confidently] I’m not even made out of steel you idiot
[from the sperm donation room]
Me: *screaming with the door cracked open* I NEED MORE CUPS
[putting away groceries]
I’m really glad I bought these tomatoes to go with [opens fridge and sighs deeply] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 2 days ago and [looks behind those tomatoes with even deeper sigh] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 3 days ago
parents: a large old man with white hair is going to break into the house while you’re sleeping and give you toys
kids: oh worddddd
Went to a movie theater for the first time in two years over the weekend. It’s still the best nap that $24.99 can buy.
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
i just want a guy i can call papi (not in the grandpa way)
I know
A watch that gives my dentist a little shock every time I floss.
Turns out that “no tear” shampoo doesn’t stop your kid if they’re already crying.
You’re never too old to ride inside of a shopping cart…
No matter what the store manager says.
Do not let #FyreFestival refugees into the country. We cannot risk it if even ONE of them has been radicalized.
My husband is in the other room explaining to the cat that even tho we are going to bed early, he (the cat) is welcome to stay up
Alexa tell Roomba to get the spider.
me: *installs app that vibrates phone whenever I’m owned online*
wife: do you hear bees
I like to keep my New Year’s goals simple and attainable so this year I have resolved to neither fly in a hydrogen-filled dirigible nor to become an ordained rabbi. I’m placing my chances of success at just north of 62.5%.
Taking the dog to the vet see you in $300
My friend: My fridge broke down, all my ice cream is gonna melt!
Me:
Me: Step aside.
“Curiosity killed the cat”, only it’s me looking up my symptoms on the internet.
[fire]
EVERYONE REMAIN CALM.
Use the stairs.
DO NOT use the elevators.We’re on the 12th floor…
*sigh*
I guess I’m dying in a fire.
Not to brag but I already took down the Easter Tree
My hometown ranked 4th for the worst cities for hot dog lovers. I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel about that.
You have advice? For me? I have a $5 Starbucks gift card that’s older than you.