The person who came up with the word onomatopoeia woke up one morning and chose vowelence.
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2019: silently mouths “I love you” to husband across the room.
2021: silently mouths “I’m sorry. Are you in a work Zoom meeting right now? Don’t forget the kids have soccer at 6. For dinner let’s do tacos. Is that your annoying coworker talking right now? He’s the worst…”
*Pulls up to drive-thru window*
“Extra toilet paper please”
Do you mean napkins?
“Sure, whatever”
Have kids they said, it’s life changing they said, you’ll love it they said…
{Police Job Interview}
Captain: Go out & kill 5 Blacks, 3 Mexicans & a kitten.
Recruit: Why kill a kitten?
Captain: You’re hired.
No one would ever question Siri’s directions if she said them with more conviction. “Keep right, if you want to live.”
“felt cute might delete later lolz”
5yo after licking my face: “Sorry. My mouth meant to kiss you but my brain told me to lick you.”
I’m pretty terrified of the possibility that you guys might crawl out of my phone like that girl in The Ring.
I think my husband is beginning to suspect
16: They asked me for my email.
12: Email? That’s like something only moms use!
16: Ewww, I know!
*how my kids take a dig at me without even trying to take a dig at me
My boyfriend can shower and get ready to go to dinner in 20 minutes. It takes me 20 minutes to get ready to shower.
Bow Wow’s full name is actually Boward Woward
Story of my life…..
just once i’d like to lay in bed nude and drink a cup of tea without an art class trying to paint my portrait
Sieved flour to rule them all
A pinch of salt to grind them
Cup of milk, then mix them all
add an egg to bind them-Lord of the Onion Rings
I used to wonder how anybody could possibly drop a cell phone in the toilet. Used to.
Darth Vader tried to kill Solo, but sadly struggled with his Han die coordination
The goose: Canada’s most violent saxophone.
I’m not like those other dudes. I’ll wait until you’re dead to steal your heart.
Find someone who shares your values & dreams- but likes a different kind of dipping sauce for chicken strips so you don’t have to share that
Maybe print wouldn’t be dying if they still employed tough dirty children to yell at me to read all about it
6: why do we bury dead people and animals but not plants?
Me: um…
6: when plants die can they be ghosts?
Me: I hope not. Otherwise our house is very haunted.
[leaving store without bag]
Cashier: Forgetting something?
“Oh wow, how embarrassing”
*walks back to give her a hug and kiss on the lips*
wife: im pregnant
me: what? im not ready to be a mother we still have petty arguments
wife: im the mother
me: this is what I’m talking about
You: Artfully arranges flowers in vase so the room looks nice
Me: Artfully arranges garbage in trash so the kids don’t see what I threw out
5 things I hate:
-complainers
-list makers
-hypocrites
-people who don’t finish what they start
Me, in DM rooms…
My kid said “don’t look at me,” and now it’s like my eyes are glued to her face and I can’t look anywhere else.
I keep banana skins within reach at work because you never know when you’re going to need to make a murder look like an accident.
Both my wife and I work from home. She treats me as a colleague despite us doing completely different roles in very different industries. She keeps bouncing ideas off me to which I nod along helpfully. No idea what she’s talking about.