Overweight people know they’re overweight, tall people know they’re tall, why is it that stupid people don’t know what they are?
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I would be okay with a ghost in the house if every time a bathroom mirror fogged up with steam, it slowly wrote out “DID YOU LOSE WEIGHT?”
[at the auto parts store]
Me: I need windshield wipers for my Chryler
Counter Guy: What size engine
saw girl I have crush on with her new fiance at Ikea but you know what they say, when God closes a Stǿrås Innjørdën he opens a Főnstǝrviviǵ
My doctor told me if I was 5″ taller I’d be at the ideal weight, so I’m going to try and give that a shot.
Me: Guys, please, I just need 5 minutes without a question, so I can finish this.
4yos:
Me:
4yos:
Me:
4yo: Why do you need 5 minutes, Daddy?
I wonder if those Gmail password hackers know how much my dog hates having to learn a new name.
Me: I want to open a horse training facility. Call it a gymneighsium lol.
Bank manager: Get out.
“Romeo and Juliet” serves as a potent reminder to make sure you’re on the same page with your partner re: fake death plan
I READ EVERY NEGATIVE COMMENT BECAUSE ONLY THE MOST RATIONAL HUMANS TAKE TIME OUT OF THEIR DAY TO TELL A STRANGER WHY THEY SUCK
Other women: Nothing is sexier than a dad holding a baby.
Me: Nothing is sexier than my husband using his thundering dad-voice to frighten our children into behaving when I’ve abandoned all hope.
I stood on the scale with one leg in the air and still weighed the same wtf.
Why it’s called a cellular membrane and not a gene-jacket I’ve no idea.
It’s frowned upon to loudly laugh in Hawaii.
You have to keep it to a low ha.
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts #DadJokes
People often argue the great realism painters of our day and somehow leave out Wile E. Coyote, and his tunnel on rock phase.
Too bad the Kardashian show couldn’t be like “The Ring” and kill anyone who watches it.
GF: *vomiting in sink* Ugh morning sickness
Me: Wait. . . wh-what?
GF: I’m pregnant
Me: Woah, slow down. Why did you call me sickness?
It’s like the people in this restroom don’t even want my help unbuttoning their pants.
STOP RUNNING AWAY I JUST WANT TO HELP YOU
jeff bezos trying to escape the earth because of a breakup is the most relatable thing he’s done
I think parents should choose unisex names for their babies like Parsnip or Brisket.
Scientists say Jupiter cant support human life but maybe Jupiter’s just really focused on her career for now. Why be so judgmental, science?
He reacted like the people in those David Blaine street magic videos
“It’s too early for porn.” Said no man ever.
Him: I don’t think we should drink while we do yard work anymore
Me: *powerwashing the lawn* why not
Just spent 5 minutes scratching my back against a post and now I have the sudden urge to hibernate for winter.
Me: *Gets my kids the exact same thing to avoid arguments*
*argument ensues*
Baby Dinosaur: Mama, are we born just to die?
Dinosaur: No, baby. One day we’ll also become toxic fuels for idiot meat robots
Me: I hear you love company?
Mystery: No, that’s Misery
Me: Oh
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery: OR IS IT
“Why don’t we have sexy time anymore?”
“Because you call it sexy time.”
The human liver can withstand up to 97% damage and make a full recovery.
Yet not one doctor will accept this as an argument for alcoholism.