8, to his teacher: …and there was this old man who used to park his van by the woods at the lake so one day Mom let me go in it because he said if I went inside, he’d show me his empanadas…
Me: IT WAS A FOOD TRUCK
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[Interview with a time traveller]
“What’s life like in the year 3000?”It’s pretty much the same as 2015 but you can download a towel
Y’all realise that you can play a joke on someone without it being April 1st? Like no one is monitoring this!
A news report says hackers stole $1 Billion dollars from banks around the world. And several pens.
*loud crash*
15: OMG! You almost freaking killed me!
13: The key word being “almost”.
Welcome to your late 40s. You now have car glasses, office glasses, living room glasses, and bedroom glasses.
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
Nephew: omg look at how thick your ipad is.
Me: That’s a book.
i would wish you the best but i am the best
Relationship Status:
My dog was just licking my ear.
I didn’t stop her.
“Wearing horizontal stripes will make you look bigger and really stand out.”
Young Waldo: (whispering) Some day I’ll prove you wrong.
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
If you’re searching for a woman who’s sweet and funny and has her life together then look no further because that one at the table behind me seems like she does.
nobody, nobody, nobody likes the guy who’s suspiciously knowledgeable about age of consent laws
Dear Samsung,
please also start selling jeans that can accommodate your smartphones.
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
she left me for good. what am i suposed to do now?
“…there ar plenty of fish in the sea”
OK DUDE FOR THE LAST TIME IM NOT GONA DATE A FISH
The neighbors are looking at me strangely again. Like they have never seen a man sitting on his roof with a pair binoculars before.
GOD: no work on the sabbath or I’ll kill you
ISRAEL [hasn’t had a day off in 400 years]: awesome!
GOD: what
ISRAEL: we mean…oh no so hard
wife in bed: it’s ruining the mood
me in bed: it’s ruining the mood because you’re letting it
hobo in bed: I should go
Me: Okay, I may have hidden all the turkey bacon in the grocery store to save humanity from this awfulness, so sue me!
Judge: That is literally what is happening here.
me: [a rest stop designer] this is the tile I want for the bathrooms that are always out of order
My son rolls his eyes when I use his lingo and that’s why I continue to do so.
[my first day at the spa]
*gently lays an entire cucumber on your eyelids*
Narcissist: I am God!
Nietzsche: I have some bad news for you.
I can’t believe I shaved my toes for this
If someone asks if you’ve been crying just say, “why… do you want to watch?” and it will weird them out enough to leave you alone
I don’t know if this is just an Italian thing but I have the complete inability to cook for less than 2,116 people at a time.
It’s cute how alcohol comes in a paper bag so when you hit rock bottom you have something to hyperventilate into.
Kids will keep you humble. If not by their words, then by the picture they drew of you.
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.