[Sexting]
“So, what are you wearing?”
A nice blouse and a light sweater. Sensible shoes.
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This might sound like an off the wall question. But what do you think of parkour?
Yeah, but I thought the whole point of twitter was to be stalked.
The word ‘follower’ should be evidence of that
*Bar fight*
Friend: you go high, I’ll go low.
Me: Ok.
*friend tackles guy at waist*
*me, singing falsetto*
I鈥檝e watched Dancing With The Stars with my wife all season and she just asked who I think should win. Quick! Someone tell me who鈥檚 on it!
Jeez make one joke about putting cyanide in someone’s food and suddenly they don’t want you to cook for them anymore
fiance: “just pretend to be religious for 10 minutes and he’ll agree to marry us”
me: “okay”
[at church]
priest: “it’s nice to meet you both”
me: [seeing crucifixion statue on wall] “jesus what happened to this guy?”
Who called it a period tracker and not a flow chart?
You can buy a 48-pack of referee whistles on Amazon for $8. Give them to the kids of people you hate.
[Me, being lowered into my grave.
Email still buzzing nonstop]Zillow: 7 new burial plots just listed in your area
Target: 20% off all women鈥檚 death shrouds
Amazon: It鈥檚 never too late to treat yourself from your wishlist
Saw my Elf on the Shelf walking out of the D.A.’s office and now I have to lawyer up.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You love me?
Cop:
Me:
Cop:
Me: Is it because I’m driving a lawnmower?
Cop: Yes.
Me: *floors it*
I don’t understand why people get excited about carbon dating.
But then perhaps I just haven’t met the right pencil.
I’ll bet when Godzilla first came out, God was like “Damn, that name’s way cooler.”
New York: The city that never sleeps.
Berlin: The city that never sleeps until Sunday.
Paris: The city that never sleeps alone.
We woke up to a noise.
I grabbed a bat.
He grabs a can of body spray.
“Really? Gunna make this burglar irresistible to women huh?”
Man claims world will end Saturday. My producer tried to book him for an interview tomorrow. He said he wasn’t available until next week.
[First date]
Her dad: I want her home before midnight
Me: but you already own her home
Dad: *turning to daughter* if you don’t sleep with him, I will
I always blame other people for my problems and it鈥檚 all your fault.
Kids forever killing vibes 馃拃
How old people make use of canes:
10% walking.
90% shaking & waving at whippersnappers.
Financial independence now means getting your kids to eat most of their meals at the neighbors house
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “Hey look…that one is shaped like an idiot”.
[doorbell]
delivery guy: parcel for Moose Allain
me: oh, thanks
delivery guy: can I just take a photo?
me: haha yes, of course, where would you like me to
delivery guy: of the parcel
Me: *Trying to experiment in bed*
Her: *looking up from her book* What鈥檚 with the lab coat?
If chameleons were better at their jobs we wouldn’t even know there were chameleons.
why are we always standing after being corrected? imma have a seat after this devastating defeat thanks
me: i want a girlfriend so badly
them: u have to start going on dates
me: seems excessive
Still being single at the age of 32 just means I statistically avoided my first divorce.
Overthrowing governments actually sounds pretty coup
Q-tips specifically say NOT to put them in your ears yet that鈥檚 the only reason we buy them. We are not a species built for survival