I tried a little beginner’s yoga earlier. The ambulance should be here any minute.
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No, whenever there’s trouble YOU seem to be around…officer.
BOSS: This team isn’t performing, hire someone with a good track record
[2 wks later]
ME: I’d like you to meet our new employee, Usain Bolt
On one hand, I’m intrigued by witchcraft. On the other hand, it seems like it involves a lot of chopping and cooking.
hitman: clearly you can’t afford my rates so i’m referring you over to my partner
hit or missman: i guarantee that i will either kill the target or get you sent directly to jail
Once my wife accidentally put in the wrong gate code to get into my parents neighborhood. The guy who answered was extremely rude and made both her and my daughter cry. I now purposely put in his code every time I visit just to make his phone ring.
Therapist: Ok so what brings you both here?
Me: Well apparently I make her life a “living hell”
My guardian angel: *sobbing uncontrollably*
I don’t clap when the plane lands but I would boo if it crashed
Sometimes I just start counting and hope the person talking to me will go hide.
Maybe a ninja is fighting a chameleon right in front of you.
Ever think of that??
Shovelling the driveway with a heating pad jammed down the back of my shirt, the extension cord attached to the house like I’m an astronaut.
I’ve lubed my DMs so that anyone who slides into them slides right out the other side.
Me: I’m nervous for my date.
Friend: Just exaggerate to impress her
{during date}
Her: What’s something you’re proud of?
Me: I invented milk
Something’s wrong with the selfie camera on my new phone. It keeps making me look like I’m 40.
A shocking amount of parenthood is knowing which kid you’ll need to keep out of jail.
me: you can get hurt when you don’t listen. daddy and I watched a show last night about a kid who lost his eye because he was being bad
6: what happened?!
me: well, he stole a dragon but that’s not the point
*puts sriracha on a kangaroo*
HOT POCKET
My toxic trait is that I answer “spam likely” calls, because maybe I can fix them.
Ask your doctor if asking your wife what she did all day is right for you
‘Why don’t you come over here and taste these Doritos…’
– Romancing the stoned
As a white person, I have a primal fear of getting lost in the snow.
Her: so yeah i’m a palaeontologist, it means i know a lot about dinosaurs basically, do you have a favourite dinosaur?
Me: *visibly sweating* umm…umm…REPTAR.
Her: …
Me: …
Her: …like…like from rugrats?
Me: …he had a wagon
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
Day 70 without sex my doctor asked me “are you sexually active” I said why whachu tryna do.
Wish I had a neck like an owl so when a guy is spooning me right after sex I could turn my head all the way around and say that was awful
I just saw my dad screenshot all by himself,they grow up so fast
It takes a keen ear to pick out a girl’s “I haven’t finished but I know you’re about to, so I’ll try to be supportive” moan.
I took my toddler on a 2 mile hike so confident it would tire him out, we finally made it back to our car and he asked if we could go one more time.
Me: Mow the lawn.
Son: I don’t want to.
Me: Me either, that’s why I’m telling you to do it.
Trust is knowing you never have to look through their phone.
Where do surfers learn to surf?
At boarding school.