1pm, the perfect time to start doing the work I woke up early to get a jump on.
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My 1-year-old thinks turtles say “vroom vroom.” I hesitate to correct her because who knows what’s what anymore? Maybe turtles are fast now.
Next door’s newborn has a really distinctive cry it goes “VVVVRRRROOOOOOOOMMMMMMM!”
It’s not a breastfed baby – it’s a formula one.
I can’t wait to get married and not invite ppl who thought they were coming
[dj voice] “What’s up Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“I wanna know, IS IT GETTING HOT IN HERE?!?”
[dads in unison] DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT
My dogs would be happier if I spent more time walking them and less time folding their ears inside out.
My boss: Two hours is enough time to get lunch catered for a meeting, right?
Me: *screams internally* I will make it happen.
Me: I killed another one, boss.
Mob boss: You don’t work for me.
Me: I volunteered.
Mob boss:*Looking angry*
Me: I’m gonna get back to work.
I’m at my most Alzheimer’s when Billy is that you?
Cross a mobster in the streets. Horse’s head in the sheets.
2: Mommy!!
Me: Yes?
2: NOOOOOOOOO!
I’ll never understand women. A species that loathes you for asking their age, but tortures you forever if you forget their birthday.
if we’re gonna be politically correct, the male counterpart to a mermaid is a merbutler
My rap name is Weapons of Mass Destruction because you go in thinking I’m going to destroy you but it turns out I’ve got absolutely nothing.
There are two types of people in this world, avoid both.
If Kevin Spacey doesn’t sign his name like this
Kevin E
Then he’s pretty damn stupid…
Aquarium managers: This is now a completely smoke-free facility.
Puffer fish: Dammit.
Believe me, I looked.
But I couldn’t find a single Valentine’s card that said “You’re a nice guy, but I don’t want to go on a third date.”
[science fair]
Kid: I made a volcano!
Judge: *trampling children* EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF!
what’s a not gay way of asking your bro to pose shirtless for a pic that you’ll silkscreen on a body pillow?
*being murdered*
Him: You should of kept your mouth shut
Me: No. It’s should HAVE
*gets stabbed another 84 times*
The tooth fairy was drunk again last night and dropped her phone on 8’s head
Some people exercise every day.
I’m trying to teach my self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house.
Trainer: Did you know that you burn approx 80 calories per hour while sleeping?
Me: Really? [curls up on weight bench] Wake me up in 2025.
Do chicks with anchor tattoos that say “never sink” know that anchors are made to sink?
I’m trying to like people but boy oh boy do they make it hard.
4 AM
BLADDER: Get up. You need to go
STOMACH: And you’re hungry
BRAIN: Imagine if Hammer Time was a real time zone. We’d have to move there
me: there’s more than one way to skin a cat
my friend: w-why do u know that
[emergency]
[super hero appears]
GUY: It’s Doesn’t-Understand-Rhetorical-Questions Man. Boy, am I glad to see you!
HERO: I…I don’t know
[god creating the beetle]
what if a bee and a turtle had sex