WIFE: why do we even need a gun in the house
ME: *fires off 8 rounds just to kill a spider* that’s why
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*fills the ice tray once*
I’M THE ONLY ONE WHO DOES ANYTHING IN THIS PLACE
People be like “do what makes you happy” and then complain when I’m drunk again
“so i was reading an article the other day” is code for “i saw this tiktok while i was sitting on the toilet”
This holiday season, do NOT buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
I’m at the point in my life where “friend with benefits” just means a person who gives me their Bed Bath & Beyond coupons.
Spending this evening saving Princess Zelda, because Princess Zelda has never ‘accidentally’ hooked up with her Sociology T.A. while abroad.
FACT: Uma Thurman is the only person to ever have been named by someone with a mouthful of food.
My favorite things about Texas are definitely our toast and our chainsaw massacres.
Why ruin a perfectly good shovel when you can just use your leg?
6YO: My tummy hurts
Me: Must be the bag of cookies you ate
6YO: It’s the other one, not my cookie tummy
[speed date]
Hi i’m Rob, I like sports, classic rock and have an irrational fear of bees. What’s your name?
Abby
OH SHIT WHERE
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
I have no problem feeding my kid something that fell on the floor, so I get it, restaurant employees.
employee: should I restock the vegetables
manager: why aren’t you using the time-saving code words from my training
employee: fine, should I *air quote fingers* reproduce
This package of bacon says it’s “naturally hardwood smoked” as if they just happened across a bunch of pigs next to a forest fire.
Say, hypothetically, I was stuck in an air vent over a dressing room at Lane Bryant. What kind of legal issues am I dealing with?
I always have a suicide note in my shower so that i wont look stupid if i ever slip and crack my head
I went into a store with my kid and came out with a different one by accident. This one is a keeper. He says he does brake work. Well see.
going around my neighborhood with my Easter basket to collect eggs but most people have been downright rude about it and what eggs they do give me aren’t even dyed
At what age do you tell your kids that the UN isn’t real
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: hi grayfish
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: u said that already
GOLDFISH: said what
her: i love bad boys
me: [trying to impress] my mom has no idea where i am
Sorry, baby. My phone number is older than you.
Periods are stupid. Why am I being punished for not being pregnant? Shouldn’t confetti be falling from my uterus?
What if this “alert” was just Americans being called in from recess?
Enough of your nonsense, nap time.
Yeah, I don’t think this is how it works
[2000]
Satan: I need a new idea on how to mess with people
Henchman 1: New STD?
S: No
H2: Incurable virus?
S: No
H3: A cameraphone
S: Nice
Oh so everyone praises the movie ‘Her’ but when I loved my Sims everyone was like “we’re worried” & “you’ve been playing 72 hours straight”
date: what turns you on?
me: cartoon superhero movies
date: [laughing] incredible
me: yah that’s my go to