I get very stressed out when characters in movies are told a rapid-fire list of things to do and don’t write it down.
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I hope the final frame of Breaking Bad is white text on black background: “None of this would have happened if we had Universal Healthcare.”
If you missed any of the most recent presidential debate, you can catch one side of it on any given Facebook friend’s page.
Thought I had outsmarted my kid and his friend by telling them the baby monitor was a walkie talkie so I could keep an ear on them… and then the snack requests started.
“WTF?”
“Seriously?”
“How could you?”
“Oh, man!”
“I’m right here.”
-my dog watching me throw food in the trash
Cardio Made Easy
They say nothing rhymes with orange. I must be pronouncing it wrong.
*notices it’s not even 8am*
*been tweeting like a boss…*
*…to 5 insomniacs*
Right after Marie Kondo we went through a year of buying crap we don’t need out of sheer cabin fever.
Santa Clause slides down the chimney of his cabin. He turns to Mrs. Clause
“The hell is that?”
I had a door installed
“The hell is a door?”
Got the results of my history exam.
Past.
[searching for a new church]
Me: *calls* Yes, does your church offer complimentary WiFi, red wine and light appetizers?
Church: *click*
ME: [standing in the rain]
STRANGER: [taps me on the shoulder] Here’s an umbrella
ME: Yes. I’ve seen one before.
Not to brag but I just filled up the gas tank and doubled the value of my car
Looking to hire someone who can photo edit my ex out of all of my vacation photos and replace him with a potato
I burn more calories begging, cajoling and pleading with my kids to get dressed for our hike and get out the door than I will on any actual hike
No one is shocked when a defibrillator doesn’t work.
Cannibals don’t drink coffee.
They have a cup of Joe instead.
The Goonies went looking for pirate treasure and ended up finding the greatest treasure of all: pirate treasure.
I don’t go camping. I can’t sleep at night knowing I locked my front door with a zipper.
First rule of cleaning while listening to music: the toilet brush is never the microphone….. Never
Her: *firing a stun gun at my head*
Me: *screaming* No! I said “I like brain TEASERS”
You know what rhymes with, “I’m Fine” ?
“More Wine”
*takes construction hat to vet*
Please help. My turtle hasn’t moved in 8 years.
Don’t follow your dreams, I did once and ended up naked in the supermarket.
SON: Dad, do aliens really exist?
ME: *sliding a tentacle back up my sleeve* Why, did your mother say something?
If you let me be president, I will just straight up tell you if aliens exist.
Assistant: Uh sir? Your personalized jean jacket is very cool but it looks like the store screwed up. It says STAN on the back.
Satan: WHAT
Trying to convince a kid, no matter the age, that they’re tired, is like trying to tell a drunk they’re drunk. Denial & anger will follow.
Of all the things to lose why couldn’t it have been my appetite and not my mind
My wife made me pack my own bag for vacation and now I have to figure out how to wear potato chips.