“I’m tired.”
– Beat Cop
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Me, passing on the wisdom of my ancestors to my kids: It’s “righty tighty, lefty loosey.”
My husband threw away a perfectly good box as if we might not need it in 20 years.
I would watch Real Housewives if it was like Game of Thrones and they would occasionally and suddenly behead one of the main characters.
Avoid cars that have a sign saying ‘baby on board’. That driver has only had a couple of hours sleep and is likely to be suicidal.
DIRTY HARRY [points gun] Go ahead make my day
*I take him to the zoo & then the park, we have ice cream*
DH: well this has been wonderful
[karate tournament]
coach: Billy sweep the leg!
me in the crowd: haha hey billy vacuum his head!
*Billy just wails opponent with a Dyson*
Give me five hundred good reasons you think I’m too demanding.
2019: no carbs
2020: eats a loaf of Wonder Bread out of the bag like it’s popcorn at the movies
Whenever a girl is talking too much, remind yourself that other thing she does with her mouth that you like so much. Might dull the pain 😉
Doing United States puzzle with 7 when he tells me that “Alabama should be called Mr. Sippi since it’s next to Mrs. Sippi.”
How much for the horse tornado?
Sir, that’s a carousel.
I must have it.
*gets into canoe*
Guide: Ok, everyone grab an oar!
*gets out of canoe*
“Oh wow, I don’t even recognize myself!”
-Lois Lane getting fitted for glasses
Unicorn: Come on man, do it just one more time.
Dragon: This is the last time.
Unicorn: Hell yeah!
Dragon: [toasts unicorns marshmallow]
Him: I’d go to the end of the world for you!
Me: Well… what are you waiting for then?
[millipede preschool]
head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes…
Why are women starting to turn their homes into yoga studios?
So they can be namaste at home moms.
ME: You win some, you lose some
WIFE: Where are the kids
Me: “I don’t make everything sexual”
*plugs phone into charger*
“You like that huh?”
Not many quicksand-related deaths since the 1970s.
Thank god the authorities got that nightmare under control.
Her: (Sigh) How did you burn the Thanksgiving Turkey?
Me: I followed the directions. 20 minutes a pound at 325 degrees. I weigh 175 pounds!
If you ever get attacked by a shark, just be a good sport about it and let it eat you. Hey, look on the bright side: It’s a rare occurrence, so you’re special.
My son asked to read one of my scripts three weeks ago. Still hasn’t read it. I can’t believe I’m raising a studio executive.
When she finally says yes and you realize that wasn’t a condom you were carrying around for the past 9 years
Me sneaking to the kitchen at 2am to get a peanut butter bar
Me: kill me now!
Murderer, from behind curtain: i was going to surprise you
“What would you say is your greatest weakness?”
Probably my tendency to stalk and murder people who won’t hire me.
I don’t understand why people climb mountains. I literally pay someone else to carry my groceries
cats can’t give you covid but they would if they could
Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.