Nurse: ‘Have you had any adverse reactions to vaccines previously?’
Me: ‘I understand I screamed a lot as a child.’
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Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
interviewer: so mr long legs what are your qualifications for the position of web designer
spider: haha, mr long legs was my father, you can call me daddy
I want to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by a rainforest.
A letter home from Burning Man:
“My Dearest Martha:
I fear my vibe may die in this thing they call ‘mud.’ We’ve rationed the last of the freeze-dried mung beans, Pip left our soy-tuna packets in the EV and I nearly consumed a gluten. Pray for me, darling. Pray I return.”
watching seinfeld on netflix, recalling the time in india when a seinfeld episode came on my host family’s tv and i said “ooh everyone watch this, this is my culture” and it was the one where george’s fiancee dies from licking all the wedding envelopes and they were horrified
My children can go an entire day at home without a glass of water but only 30 seconds in the car before dehydration sets in.
just saw a rat running up the street he’s probably late opening his restaurant
Get your kindergartener a watch so you know what time it is every minute you are together for at least a week please tell me it’s not longer than a week
Airlines are like “okay everyone now that we’re all boarded and ready to take off let’s check to make sure the plane’s okay”.
*bomb timer counting down from 2 minutes*
Me: [quickly youtubes how to disarm a bomb]
*3 minute unskippable ad plays*
Have you ever considered, that if there is a God, same sex attraction was created to prevent the overpopulation of unloved children? I have.
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
When I was a kid and my dad was 40yo, I used to think he must be an old man who was practically almost dead.
Now that I’m nearing 40, I know the truth: I was right.
When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, he gave me a blank stair.
Chuck E. Cheese is a child casino, good night
Me: I will never work for my boss again…
She: Why? What did he say to you??
Me: ‘You are Fired’
The U.S is #18 in mathematics worldwide. At least we’re in the top ten.
People will tell you daughters are less gross than sons.
My daughters started a snail zoo. There are snails everywhere.
“weighing in at 129 lbs, here to throw down in a gown, to slay with a bouquet-”
(Bride walks down the aisle, upset I mentioned her weight)
I bought myself hot pink earbuds so my son would quit stealing them and now my wife stole my earbuds.
Whenever someone says, “Would you like your receipt?” I always say yes, because I want the guy at the drive-thru to think I’m writing off my Taco Bell expenses.
What idiot called it the toaster and not the tanning bread?
microsoft: want to make this a trusted document?
me: yes
[next time opening the document]
microsoft: what the hell is this. i’m scared
Do you know how fast you were going sir?
“15,000mph?”
Wha? No,like 65?
“Seems pretty slow wouldn’t you say?”
I guess so.
“Ok bye”
bye?
I told my mom that “trying to smash” was slang for going to smashburger and now I deeply regret it
Just because you have boobs doesn’t mean you’re better than I am. Unless you’re a woman.
*puts words between two asterisks*
Took my 6 y/o daughter to a college football game and my dream of turning her into a fan quickly faded when she asked to go home in the first quarter because “we just watched this game on TV last week.”
I wish I could say it was the first time I’ve hidden in a dumpster.