[first date]
Date: how much do you drink a week?
Me: Haha, I don’t even answer that at my check up.
Date: right.. Let’s do shots.
Me: i love shots.
Date, pulling off glasses to reveal my Doctor: gotcha
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It’s okay if you didn’t notice that I switched my beard trimmer’s setting from 6 to 5. The difference is stubble.
Fed the cat dog food and suddenly she’s barking at the mail man.
Zack Greinke stories are the best
The opposite of Iceland is water water
Anyone got a 10 year old daughter I could introduce as mine?
Stuck in an elaborate lie after putting my music on shuffle at a party.
[the day after I meet a genie]
boss: hey team, you can all leave five minutes early today
me: *loudly* oh wow so weird
Listen buddy, I don’t know why I’m doing karate in your bedroom either, sometimes things happen
If I close my eyes while my 3 year old pours her cereal I can hear the relaxing sound of thousands of Cheerios raining on the floor.
friend: wanna see a magic trick
person who got cursed by a donkey wizard yesterday: no thank you
Chivalry is just the study of green onions right?
Gonna hand out job applications to teenage trick-or-treaters who ring my doorbell.
[At job interview]
Interviewer: So tell me why you want this job.
Me: I have no money and I prefer when I have money.
*My neighbor rolls over in bed.
Me: You really shouldn’t sleep with the windows open. Now quit hogging the covers.
*during sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you unload the bloody dishwasher like I asked?
When I’m feeling inadequate, I remember that there are women who marry their prison pen pals, and then my own decisions don’t seem so bad.
Anteater Kid: What’s for dinner?
Anteater Mom: Don’t be a smart ass, Brandon.
You ask me for the time and notice my watch is actually a live shrimp hugging my wrist, he whispers “12:30” but he’s guesstimating as shrimps usually do
Not today.. 😂
Me: *drops mic*
Mic’s parents: OUR BABY!
Don’t have a second child until the first one is old enough to take care of it. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
I hate getting cut off because I’ve “had enough.” Who are they to say how much butter I need on my movie theater popcorn?
doctor: how are u
me: good
doctor: my wife left thanks for asking
Apparently the term for migraine-sufferer is ‘migraneur.’ Nice getting recognition as a kind of artisan of suffering
I’ll take the cash and buy my own pizza, thanks
If you want people to stop talking,
pull out a stop watch, start it and keep staring at it.
Don’t tell me a program may contain nudity. Tell me for sure so I don’t waste my time.
PARAMEDIC: this man needs a transfusion
JESUS: i got this *turns water into wine*
PARAMEDIC: he doesn’t need wine he needs blood
JESUS: this is my blood
Not to brag but my bank says I have an outstanding balance.
ME: Imagine if your toenails screamed when you cut them.
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
It’s adorable how I write “beer” on my shopping list like I’d somehow forget.